lALICE  IN  BLUNDERLANDl 


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J\N      IRIDESCENT 


BY  JOHN  KENDRICKB/1NGS 


DUKE  UNIVERSITY 


LIBRARY 


The  Glenn  Negley  Collection 
of  Utopian  Literature 


5c4itX 


ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 


BY  THE  SAME  AUTHOR 


A  House-boat  on  the  Styx 

Coffee  and  Repartee 

Mollie  and  the  Unwiseman 

Proposal  Under  Difficulties 

Worsted  Man;  A  Musical  Play  for  Amateurs 

The  Enchanted  Typewriter 

Ghosts  I  Have  Met 

Mrs.  Raffles 

Olympian  Nights 

R.  Holmes  &  Co. 

And  Many  Other  Short  Stories 


Alice  in 

Blunderland 

An  Iridescent  Dream 

By 

JOHN    KENDRICK    BANGS 


Illustrated  by 
ALBERT  LEVERING 


New  York 

Doubleday,  Page  &  Company 

1907 


Copyright,  1906,  by  the 
Municipal  Ownership  Publishing  Bureau 


Copyright,  1907,  by 
Doubleday,  Page  &  Company 
Published,  September,  1907 


All  Rights  Reserved 

Including  that  of  Translation  into  Foreign  Languages 

Including  the  Scandinavian 


SH  .        iM 


IKK. 


CONTENTS 

CHAPTER  PAGE 

I.  Off  to  Blunderland    ....          3 

II.  The  Immovable  Trolley            .          .            19 

III.  The  Aromatic  Gas  Plant    .  .          -37 

IV.  The  City-owned  Police    .  .          .            56 
V.  The  Municipaphone             .          .          -73 

VI.     The  Department  of  Public  Verse        .  92 

Vn.     The  Municipal  Ownership  of  Children       108 


ILLUSTRATIONS 


The  Cheshire  Cat         .         .         . 

The  March  Hare 

"  'Listen  here'  "... 

The  municipal  chewery 

The  municipal  toothery 

"Handing  her  a  card" 

"'Put  that  fellow  off'"      . 

"Requested  the  Hatter  to  crack  a  filbert 
for  him "       .         .         .         . 

"  'Banged  into  the  car  ahead'  " 

The  Chief  Engineer    . 

"  'It  came  to  me  like  a  flash'  " 

"  *  Studying  the    economic  theories  of   Di 
Wack'"        .... 

"The  White  Knight  interfered" 

"  'In  the  matter  of  perfume  it  Was  fine 

"*  Nobody  could  be  gas-fixturated '  " 


PAGE 

5 
6 

7 
II 

13 
17 
20 

24 
27 

30 
31 

45 
48 

50 
51 


ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

PAGE 

"Wrote  on  the  side  of  a  convenient  gas 

tank" 57 

**  'I'm  the  soundest  sleeper  in  town'  "     .  59 

"  'Tea  is  served  on  every  corner'  "  .          .  64 

"  'We  respond  immediately  to  the  call'  "  67 

"  Made  off  with  the  agility  of  an  antelope  "  69 

"  'You  can  talk  all  you  please'  "      .         -73 

'"Fined  five  dollars'"       ....  84 

"'The  dictionary  we  are  compiling'"     .  85 

"Alice  transfixed  at  the  phone"       .         .  86 

"  'The  biggest  jackass  from  Dan  to  Beer- 

sheba'" 87 

"  '  Larger  measure  than  was  the  custom '  "  94 

"  Greeted  by  the  Commissioner,  the  Haber- 
dasher"     ......  99 

"  '  It  runs  this  way,  your  honour'  "          .  100 

"  'Our  thinking  department'  "  .         .         .  102 

"  'When  they  think  nobody's  looking'  "  .  116 

"'If  you   get  into  trouble,   use  this'"   .  119 

"Seizing  her  by  the  arm"         .         .         .  122 

"'Why — have  I — I  really  fallen?'"         .  124 


ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 


CHAPTER  I 

OFF  TO    BLUNDERLAND 

IT  WAS  one  of  those  dull,  drab,  de- 
pressing days  when  somehow  or 
other  it  seemed  as  if  there  wasn't  any- 
thing anywhere  for  anybody  to  do.  It 
was  raining  outdoors,  so  that  Alice  could 
not  amuse  herself  in  the  garden,  or  call 
upon  her  friend  Little  Lord  Fauntleroy 
up  the  street ;  and  downstairs  her  mother 
was  giving  a  Bridge  Party  for  the  benefit 
of  the  M.  O.  Hot  Tamale  Company,  which 
had  lately  fallen  upon  evil  days.  Alice's 
mother  was  a  very  charitably  disposed 
person,  and  while  she  loathed  gambling 
in  all  its  forms,  was  nevertheless  willing 
for  the  sake  of  a  good  cause  to  forego  her 
principles  on  alternate  Thursdays,  but 
she  was  very  particular  that  her  little 
daughter   should    be    kept    aloof    from 


4        ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

contaminating  influences,  so  that  Alice 
found  herself  locked  in  the  nursery  and, 
as  I  have  already  intimated,  with  nothing 
to  do.  She  had  read  all  her  books — ^The 
House  of  Mirth,  the  novels  of  Hall  Caine 
and  Marie  Corelli — the  operation  for 
appendicitis  upon  her  dollie,  while  very 
successful  indeed,  had  left  poor  Flaxilocks 
without  a  scrap  of  sawdust  in  her  veins, 
and  therefore  unable  to  play;  and  worst 
of  all,  her  pet  kitten,  under  the  new  city 
law  making  all  felines  public  property, 
had  grown  into  a  regular  cat  and  appeared 
only  at  mealtimes,  and  then  in  so  dis- 
reputable a  condition  that  he  was  not 
thought  to  be  fit  company  for  a  child  of 
seven. 

''Oh  dear!"  cried  Alice  impatiently, 
as  she  sat  rocking  in  her  chair,  listening 
to  the  pattering  of  the  rain  upon  the  roof 
of  the  veranda.  ''  I  do  wish  there  was 
something  to  do,  or  somebody  to  do,  or 
somewhere  to  go.  The  Gov'ment  ought 
to     provide     covered     playgrounds     for 


OFF  TO  BLUNDERLAND  5 

children  on  wet  days.     It  wouldn't  cost 
much  to  put  a  glass  cover  on  the  Park!  " 

''A  very  good  idea!  I'll  make  a  note 
of  that,"  said  a  squeaky  little  voice  at 
her  side. 

Alice  sprang  to  her  feet  in  surprise. 
She  had  supposed  she  was  alone,  and  for 
a  moment  she  was  frightened,  but  a 
glance  around  reassured  her,  for  strange 
to  say,  seated  on  the  radiator  warming 
his  toes  was  her  old 
friend  the  Hatter,  the 
queer  old  chap  she  had 
met  in  her  marvellous 
trip  through  Wonder-  ^^;^9»^^1^' 
land,  and  with  him  was  ▼^^ 

THE   CHESHIRE    CAT 

the   March    Hare,    the 

Cheshire  Cat,  and  the  White  Knight  from 

Looking  Glass  Land. 

''Why — you  dear  old  things!"  she 
cried.     "You  here?" 

"  I  don't  know  about  these  others, 
but  I'm  here,"  returned  the  Hatter. 
"The   others    seem   to    be    here,    but   I 


ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 


respectfully  decline  to  take  my  solemn 
daffydavy  on  the  subject,  because  my 
doctor  says  I'm  all  the  time  seeing  things 
that  ain't.  Besides  I  don't  believe  in 
swearing." 

"We're  here  all  right,"  put  in  the 
March  Hare.  ''  I  know  because  we  ain't 
an3rwhere  else,  and 
when  you  ain't  any- 
where else  you  can 
make  up  your  mind 
that  you're  here." 

"Well,  I'm  awfully 
glad  to  see  you,"  said 
Alice.      "I've  been  so 


THE   MARCH   HARE 


lonesome- 


"We  know  that," 
said  the  White  Knight.  "We've  been 
studying  your  case  lately  and  we  thought 
we'd  come  down  and  see  what  we  could 
do  for  you.  The  fact  is  the  Hatter  here 
has  founded  a  model  city,  where  every- 
thing goes  just  right,  and  we  came  to  ask 
you  to  pay  us  a  call." 


OFF  TO  BLUNDERLAND 


*'A  city?"   cried  Alice. 

"Yep,"  said  the  March  Hare.  "It's 
called  Blunderland  and  between  you  and 
me  I  don't  believe  anybody  but  the 
Hatter  could  have  invented  one  like  it. 
His  geegantic  brain  conceived  the  whole 
thing,  and  I  tell  you  it's  a  corker." 

"Where  is  it?"  asked  Alice. 

"That's    telling,"    said    the    Hatter. 
"  I  haven't  had  it  copyrighted  yet,  and 
until  I  do  I  ain't  going  to  tell  where  it   is. 
You     can't 
be  too  care- 
ful     about 
property 
these    days 
with    cop- 
perations 
1  u  r  k  i  n  ' 
around 
everywhere 
to     g  r  ab 
everything 

insight."  -USTENHEKE' 


8        ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

*'  What's  a  copperation ? "  asked  Alice. 

"What?  Never  heard  of  a  Coppera- 
tion?"  demanded  the  Hatter.  ''Mercy! 
Ever  hear  of  the  Mumps,  or  the  Measles, 
or  the  Whooping  Cough?" 

''  Yes — ^but  I  never  knew  they  were 
called   Copperations,"   said  Alice. 

"  Well,  they  ain't,  but  they're  no  worse 
— so  they  ought  to  be,"  said  the  Hatter. 
''Listen  here.  I'll  tell  you  what  a  cop- 
per at  ion  is." 

And  putting  his  hat  in  front  of  his 
mouth  like  a  telephone  the  Hatter  recited 
the  following  poem  through  it: 

THE    COPPERATION 

A  copperation  is  a  beast 

With  forty  leven  paws 
TViat  doesn't  ever  pay  the  least 

Attention  to  the  laws. 

It  grabs  whatever  comes  in  sight 
From  hansom  cabs  to  socks 

And  with  a  grin  of  mad  delight 
It  turns  'em  into  stocks 


OFF  TO  BLUNDERLAND  9 

And  then  it  takes  a  rubber  hose 

Connected   with   the   sea 
And  pumps  'em  full  of  H2OS 

Of  various  degree 

And  when  they're  swollen  up  so  stout 
You'd  think  they'd  surely  bust 

They  souse  'em  once  again  and  out 
They  come  at  last  a  Trust 

And  when  the  Trust  is  ready  for 

One  last  and  final  whack 
They  let  the  public  in  the  door 

To  buy  the  water  back. 

"  See? "  said  the  Hatter  as  he  finished. 

"No,"  said  Alice.  "It  sounded  very 
pretty  through  your  hat,  but  I  don't 
understand  it.  Why  should  people  buy 
water  when  they  can  get  it  for  nothing 
in  the  ocean?" 

"You're  like  all  the  rest,"  groaned 
the  Hatter.  "Nobody  seems  to  under- 
stand but  me,  and  somehow  or  other  I 
can't  make  it  clear  to  other  people." 

"  You  might  if  you  didn't  talk  through 


lo      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

your  hat,"  grinned  the  Cheshire  Cat. 

*'  Then  I'd  have  to  stop  being  a  public 
character,"  said  the  Hatter.  "I'm  not 
going  to  sacrifice  my  career  just  because 
you're  too  ignorant  to  see  what  I'm 
driving  at.  I  don't  mind  telUng  you 
though,  Alice,  that  outside  of  poetry  a 
Copperation  is  a  Creature  devised  by 
Selfish  Interests  to  secure  the  Free  Coin- 
age of  the  Atlantic  Ocean." 

"Little  drops  of  water, 
Plenty  of  hot  air, 
Make  a  Copperation 
A  pretty  fat  affair," 

warbled  the  March  Hare. 

"O  well,"  said  Alice,  ''what  about  it? 
Suppose  there  is  such  an  animal  around. 
What  are  we  going  to  do  about  it?" 

''We're  going  to  gerraple  with  it," 
said  the  Hatter,  with  a  valiant  shake  of 
his  hat.  *' We're  going  to  grab  it  by  its 
throat,  and  shake  it  down,  and  shackle 
it  so  that  in  forty  years  it  will  become  as 


OFF  TO  BLUNDERLAND        1 1 


tame  as  a  fly  or  any  other  highly  domes- 
ticated animal." 

*'But    how?"    asked 
aren't    going    to 
do  this  yourself, 


are   you 


Single 
and 


handed 
alone?" 

"Yes,"  said 
the  Hatter. 
''The March  Hare 
and  the  White 
Knight  and  I. 
We've  started 
a  city  to  do  it 
with.  We've 
sprinkled  our 
streets     with 

Rough  on  Copperations  until  there  isn't 
one  left  in  the  place.  Everything  in  town 
belongs  to  the  People — street  cars,  gut- 
ters, pavements,  theatres,  electric  light, 
cabs,  manicures,  dogs,  cats,  canary  birds, 
hotels,  barber  shops,  candy  stores,  hats, 


THE  MUNICIPAL  CHEWERY 


12      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

umbrellas,  bakeries,  cakeries,  steakeries, 
shops, — you  can't  think  of  a  thing 
that  the  city  don't  own.  No  more 
private  ownership  of  anything  from 
a  toothbrush  to  a  yacht,  and  the  result 
is  we  are  all  happy." 

"  It  sounds  fine, "  said  Alice. 
''  Though  I  think  I  should  rather  own  my 
own  toothbrush. ' ' 

*'  You  naturally  would  under  the  old 
system,"  assented  the  Hatter.  ''Under 
a  system  of  private  ownership  owning 
your  own  teeth  you'd  prefer  to  own  your 
own  toothbrush,  but  our  Council  has  just 
passed  a  law  making  teeth  public  prop- 
erty. You  see  we  found  that  some  people 
had  teeth  and  other  people  hadn't,  which  is 
hardly  a  fair  condition  under  a  Repub- 
lican form  of  Government.  It  gave  one 
class  of  citizens  a  distinct  advantage  over 
other  people  and  the  Declaration  of 
Independence  demands  absolute  equality 
for  all.  One  man  owning  his  own  teeth, 
could  eat  all  the  hickory  nuts  he  wanted 


OFF  TO  BLUNDERLAND        13 

just  because  he  had  teeth  to  crack  'em 
with,  while  another  man  not  having  teeth 
had  either  to  swallow  'em  whole,  which 
ruined  his  digestion,  or  go  without,  which 
wasn't  fair." 

"I  see,"  said  Alice. 

"So    it    occurred    to    Mr.    Alderman 


THE    MUNICIPAL  TOOTHERY 


March  Hare  here,"  continued  the  Hatter, 
''  that  we  should  legislate  in  the  matter, 
and  at  our  last  session  we  passed  a  law  pro- 
viding for  the  Municipal  Ownership  of 
Teeth,  so  that  now  when  a  toothless 
wanderer  wants  a  hickory  nut  cracked  he 
has  a  perfectly  legal  right  to  stop  any- 
body in  the  street  who  has  teeth  and 
make  him  crack  the  nut  for  him.     Of 


14      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

course  we've  had  a  little  trouble  enforcing 
the  law — alleged  private  rights  are  always 
difficult  to  get  around.  Long-continued 
possession  has  seemed  so  to  convince 
people  that  they  have  inherent  rights  to 
the  things  they  have  enjoyed  that  they 
put  up  a  fight  and  appeal  to  the  Consti- 
tution and  all  that,  and  even  when  you 
mention  the  fact,  as  I  did  in  a  case  that 
came  up  the  other  day  (when  a  man 
refused  to  bite  off  another  chap's  cigar 
for  him),  that  the  Constitution  doesn't 
mention  teeth  anywhere  in  all  its  classes, 
they  are  not  easy  to  convince.  This 
fellow  insisted  that  his  teeth  were  private 
property,  and  no  city  law  should  make 
them  public  property.  He's  going  to 
take  it  to  the  Supreme  Court.  Mean- 
while his  teeth  are  in  the  custody  of  the 
sheriff." 

''  And  what  has  become  of  the  man? " 
asked   Alice. 

''He's  in  the  custody  of  the  sheriff 
too,"    said   the   Hatter.     "We   couldn't 


OFF  TO  BLUNDERLAND        15 

arrange  it  any  other  way  except  by 
pulling  his  teeth,  and  he  didn't  want 
that." 

''I  can't  blame  him,"  said  Alice 
reflectively.  ''  I  should  hate  to  have  my 
teeth  taken  away  from  me." 

''O  there's  no  obfuscation  about  it," 
said  the  Hatter. 

'Xonfuscation,"  corrected  the  March 
Hare.  ''  I  wish  you  would  get  that 
word  right.  It's  too  important  to  fool 
with." 

''Thank  you,"  replied  the  Hatter. 
"  My  mind  is  on  higher  things  than  mere 
words.  However,  as  I  was  saying,  there 
is  no  cobfuscation  about  it.  We  don't 
take  a  man's  teeth  away  from  him 
without  compensation.  We  pay  him  what 
the  teeth  are  worth  and  place  them 
at  the  service  of  the  whole  community." 

''  Where  do  you  get  the  money  to  pay 
him?"  asked  Alice. 

"We  give  him  a  Municipal  Bond," 
explained  the  Hatter.     ''It's  a  ten  per 


i6      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

cent,  bond  costing  two  cents  to  print. 
When  he  cracks  a  hickory  nut  for  the 
pubhc,  the  man  he  cracks  it  for  pays  him 
a  cent.  He  rings  this  up  on  a  cash 
register  he  carries  pinned  to  his  vest,  and 
at  the  end  of  every  week  turns  in  the  cash 
to  the  City  Treasury.  That  money  is 
used  to  pay  the  interest  on  the  bonds. 
The  scheme  has  the  additional  advantage 
that  it  makes  a  man's  teeth  negotiable 
property  in  the  sense  that  whereas  under 
the  old  system  he  couldn't  very  well  sell 
his  teeth,  under  the  new  system  he  can 
sell  the  bond  if  he  gets  hard  up.  More- 
over, the  City  Government  having 
acquired  control  has  to  pay  all  his 
dentist's  bills,  supply  tooth  powder  and 
so  on,  which  results  in  a  great  saving  to 
the  individual.  It  hardly  costs  the  city 
anything,  except  for  the  Tooth  Inspector, 
who  is  paid  $1,200  a  year,  but  we  can 
handle  that  easily  enough,  provided  the 
people  will  use  the  Public  Teeth  in 
sufficiently   large   numbers   to   bring   in 


OFF  TO  BLUNDERLAND        1 7 


ifiiK^ 


dividends. 
Anyhow,  we 
have  gone  in 
for  it,  and  I 
see  no  reason 
why  it  should 
not  work  as 
well  as  any 
other  Muni- 
cipal Owner- 
ship scheme." 

"I  should 
love  to  go  and 
see  your 
city,"    s  a  id 

Alice,  who,  though  not  quite  convinced 
as  to  the  desirability  of  the  Municipal 
Ownership  of  Teeth,  was  nevertheless 
very  much  interested. 

"Very  well,"  said  the  Hatter.  "We 
can  go  at  once,  for  I  see  the  train  is 
already  standing  in  the  Station." 

"  The  Station? "  cried  Alice.  "  What 
Station?" 


"handing  her  a  card" 


1 8      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

But  before  the  Hatter  could  answer, 
Alice,  glancing  through  the  window, 
caught  sight  of  a  very  beautiful  train 
standing  before  the  veranda,  and  in  a 
moment  she  found  herself  stepping  on 
board  with  her  friends,  while  a  soft- 
spoken  guard  at  the  door  was  handing 
her  an  engraved  card  upon  a  silver  salver 
"Respectfully  Inviting  Miss  Alice  to 
Step  Lively  There." 


CHAPTER  II 

THE    IMMOVABLE    TROLLEY 

WHAT  an  extraordinary  car,"  said 
Alice,  as  she  stepped  into  the 
brilHantly  Hghted  vehicle.  "  It  doesn't 
seem  to  have  any  end  to  it,"  she  added  as 
she  passed  down  the  aisle,  looking  for 
the  front  platform. 

"It  hasn't,"  said  the  Hatter.  ''It 
just  runs  on  forever." 

''Doesn't  it  stop  anywhere?"  cried 
Alice  in  amazement. 

"It  stops  everywhere,"  said  the 
Hatter.  "  What  I  mean  is  it  hasn't  any 
ends  at  all.  It's  just  one  big  circular  car 
that  runs  all  around  the  city  and  joins 
itself  where  it  began  in  the  beginning. 
We  call  it  the  M.  O.  Express,  M.  O. 
standing  for  Municipal  Ownership " 

"And     Money     Owed,"     laughed     a 


20      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

Weasel  that  sat  on  the  other  side  of  the 
car. 

"  Put  that  fellow  off,"  said  the  March 
Hare  indignantly.  "  Conductor — out  with 
him." 


**PUT    THAT    FELLOW  OFF** 

The  Conductor  immediately  threw 
the  Weasel  out  of  the  window,  as  ordered, 
and  the  Hatter  I'esumed. 

"We  call  it  the  express  because  it  is 
so  fast,"  he  continued. 

''You'd  hardly  think  it  was  going  at 
all,  observed  Alice,  as  she  noticed  the 
entire  lack  of  motion  in  the  car. 

"  It  isn't,"  said  the  Hatter.  "  It's  built 
on  a  solid  foundation  and  doesn't  move 


THE  IMMOVABLE  TROLLEY     21 

an  inch,  and  yet  at  the  same  time  it  runs 
all  around  the  city.  It  was  my  idea," 
he  added  proudly. 

''But  you  said  it  was  fast,"  protested 
Alice. 

''And  so  it  is,  my  child,"  said  the 
Hatter  kindly.  "It's  as  fast  as  though 
it  was  glued  down  with  mucilage. 
There's  several  ways  of  being  fast,  you 
know.  Did  you  ever  hear  of  the  Ballade 
of  the  Nancy  P.  D.  Q.V 

"No,"  said  Alice. 

"It's  a  Sea  Song  in  B  flat,"  said  the 
Hatter.     "I  will  sing  it  for  you." 

And  placing  his  hat  before  his  lips  to 
give  a  greater  mellowness  to  his  voice, 
the  Hatter  sang: 

THE    BALLADE    OF    THE    NANCY  P.  D.  Q. 

O  the  good  ship  Nancy  P.  D,  Q. 

From  up  in  Boston,  Mass., 
Went  sailing  o'er  the  bounding  blue 

Cargoed  with  apple  sass. 


2  2      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

She  sailed  around  Ogunkit  Bay 

Down,  past  the  Banks  of  Qiiogue, 
And  on  a  brilliant  summer's  day, 
Just  off  the  coast  of  Mandelay, 
She  landed  in  a  fog. 

So  brace  the  topsails  close,  my  lads, 
And  stow  your  grog,  my  crew, 

For  the  waves  are  steep  and  the  fog  is  deep 
Round  the  Nancy  P.  D.  Q. 

As  in  the  fog  she  groped  around — 

The  night  was  black  as  soot — 
She  ran  against  Long  Island  Sound, 

Out  where  the  codfish  toot. 
And  when  the  moon  rose  o'er  the  scene 

So  smiling,  sweet  and  bland, 
She  poked  her  nose  so  sharp  and  keen^ 
'Twas  freshly  painted  olive  green — 

Deep  in  a  bar  of  sand. 

So  splice  the  garboard  strakes,  my  lads, 
And   reef  the   starboard   screw — 

For  it  sticks  like  tar,  that  sandy  bar, 
To  the  Nancy  P.  D.  Q. 


THE  IMMOVABLE  TROLLEY    23 

O  the   Skipper  swore  with  a   "  Yeave-ho-ho! " 

And  the  crew  replied  "Hi-hi!" 
And  then,   with   a   cheerful   "Heave-ho-yo," 

They  pumped  the  bowsprit  dry. 
"Three  cheers!"  the  Mate  cried  with  a  sneeze 

"Hurrah  for  this  old  boat! 
She  sails  two  knots  before  the  breeze, 
But  on  the  bar,  by  Jingo,  she's 

The  fastest  thing  afloat!" 

So  up  with  the  gallant  flag,  my  lads, 

With   a  hip-hip-hip-hooroo. 
For  the  liner  fast  is  now  outclassed 

By  the  Nancy  P.  D.  Q. 

Alice  scratched  her  chin  in  perplexity, 
but  the  Hatter  never  stopped. 

''I  got  an  idea  from  that  ballad,"  he 
rattled  on.  "If  you  want  trains  fast 
you've  got  to  build  'em  fast." 

''  Yes,  but  if  they  don't  go— how  does 
anybody  get  anywhere?"  asked  Alice. 

"They  can  get  off  and  walk,"  said 
the  Hatter.  "And  it's  a  great  deal  less 
dangerous  getting  off  a  train  that  doesn't 
move  than  off  one  that  does." 


24      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

''I  can  see  that,"  said  Alice.  ''That 
weasel,  for  instance,  would  have  been 
badly  hurt  if  he  had  been  thrown  through 
the  window  of  a  moving  car." 


REQUESTED  THE  HATTER  TO  CRACK  A  FILBERT  FOR  HIM' 


''That's  it  exactly,"  said  the  Hatter. 
"As  Alderman  March  Hare  puts  it,  we 
M.  O.  people  are  after  the  comfort  and 
safety  cf  the  people  first,  last  and  all  the 


THE  IMMOVABLE  TROLLEY    25 

time.  Everything  else  is  a  tertiary  con- 
sideration  merely." 

'^ What's  tertiary?"  asked  Alice. 

"  Third, ' '  said  the  Hatter.  ''  To  come 
in  third.  It's  a  combination  of  turtle 
and  dromedary." 

Just  at  this  moment  a  man  walking 
through  the  car  stopped  and  requested 
the  Hatter  to  crack  a  filbert  for  him, 
which  the  Hatter  cheerfully  did.  The 
passer-by  thanked  him  and  paid  him  a 
cent,  which  the  Hatter  immediately  rang 
up  on  a  small  cash  register  on  his  vest, 
as  required  by  the  laws  of  Blunderland. 

"  That's  the  way  the  Municipal  Owner- 
ship of  Teeth  works,"  said  the  Hatter  as 
the  man  passed  on,  and  then  he  resumed. 
"This  street  railway  business,  however, 
was  a  much  harder  proposition  than  the 
Municipal  Ownership  of  Teeth.  When 
we  took  the  railways  over  of  course  we 
had  to  run  'em  on  the  old  system  until 
we'd  learned  the  business.  The  first 
thing  we  did  was  to  get  educated  men  for 


26      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

Motormen  and  Conductors — polite  fel- 
lows, you  know,  who'd  stop  a  car  when 
you  asked  'em  to,  and  when  they  started 
wouldn't  do  it  with  such  a  jerk  that  in 
nine  cases  out  of  ten  it  was  only  the  back 
door  that  kept  the  car  from  being  yanked 
clean  from  under  your  feet,  letting  you 
land  in  the  street  behind." 

*'  I  know,"  said  Alice.  ''  Like  a  game 
of  snap  the  whip." 

"  Exactly,"  said  the  Hatter.  "  Under 
the  old  method  of  starting  a  car  you  never 
knew,  when  you  were  going  home  nights, 
whether  you'd  land  in  the  bosom  of  your 
family  or  in  a  basket  of  eggs  somebody 
was  bringing  home  from  market.  So 
we  advertised  for  polite  motormen  and 
conductors,  and  we  got  a  great  lot  of  them, 
mostly  retired  druggists,  floor- walkers, 
poets  and  fellows  like  that,  with  a  few 
ex-politicians  thrown  in  to  give  tone  to 
the  service,  and  we  put  them  on,  but  they 
didn't  know  anything  about  motoring, 
unfortunately.     Somehow  or  other  good 


THE  IMMOVABLE  TROLLEY    27 

manners  and  expert  motoring  didn't 
seem  to  go  together,  and  in  consequence 
we  had  a  fearful  lot  of  collisions  at  first. 
I  don't  think  there  was  a  whole  back 


'banged  into  the  car  ahead 


platform  in  the  outfit  at  the  end  of  the 
week,  no  matter  which  way  the  car  was 
going." 

"  Must  have  been  awful,"  said  Alice. 

"It  was,"  said  the  Hatter,  "and  the 
public  began  to  complain.     One  man  who 


2  8       ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

got  his  nose  pinched  between  two  cars 
sued  us  for  damages  and  we  had  to  return 
his  fare.  Finally  one  day  one  of  the  old 
bobtail  cars  got  running  away,  and  the 
first  we  knew  it  banged  into  the  car  ahead 
and  went  right  through  it,  coming  out 
in  front  still  going  like  mad  after  the  next 
car,  and  we  knew  something  had  to  be 
done." 

''Mercy!"  cried  Alice.  "I  should 
think  the  passengers  in  the  first  car  would 
have  sued  you  for  that." 

''They  would  have,"  said  the  Hatter, 
"  if  they  could  have  scraped  enough  of 
themselves  together  again  to  appear  in 
court." 

"It  was  a  hard  problem,"  said  the 
March   Hare. 

"The  hardest  ever,"  asserted  the 
Hatter.  "But  the  White  Knight  there 
gave  me  a  clue  to  the  solution — he's  our 
Copperation  Council — and  I  put  it  up 
to  him  for  an  opinion,  and  after  thinking 
it  over  for  two  months  he  reported.     The 


THE  IMMOVABLE  TROLLEY    29 

only  way  to  prevent  collisions,  said  he, 
is  to  cut  the  ends  off  the  cars.  That  was 
it,  wasnt'  it,  Judge?"  he  added,  turning 
to  the  White  Knight. 

"Yes,"  said  the  Knight,  "only  I  put 
it  in  poetry.     My  precise  words  were 

The  only  way  that  I  can  find 
To  stop  this  car  colliding  stunt 

Is  cutting  off  the  end  behind 
And  likewise  that  in  front." 

"Splendid!"  cried  Alice,  clapping  her 
hands   in  glee.     "That's  fine." 

"  Thank  you,"  said  the  White  Knight. 
"  You  see,  Miss  Alice,  I  made  a  personal 
study  of  collisions.  The  Mayor  here 
ordered  a  fresh  one  every  day  for  me  to 
investigate,  and  I  noticed  that  whenever 
two  cars  bunked  into  each  other  it  was 
always  at  the  ends  and  never  in  the 
middle.  The  conclusion  was  inevitable. 
The  ends  being  the  venerable  spot,  abolish 
them." 

"A    very    careful    and    conscientious 


30      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 


public  ser- 
vant," whis- 
pered  the 
March  Hare 
aside  to  Alice. 
''When  we 
have  Munici- 
pal Owner- 
ship of  the 
Federal  Gov- 
ernment we're 
going  to  put 
h  i  m  on  the 
Supreme 
Court  Bench.  He  means  vulnerable  when 
he  says  venerable,  but  you  mustn't  mind 
that.  When  we  have  Municipal  Owner- 
ship of  the  English  Language  we'll  make 
the  words  mean  what  we  want  'em  to." 
"Then  of  course  the  question  arose 
as  to  how  we  could  do  this,"  said  the 
Hatter.  ''I  got  the  Chief  Engineer  of 
our  Department  of  Public  Works  to  make 
some  experiments,  and  would  you  believe 


THE  CHIEF  ENGINEER 


THE  IMMOVABLE  TROLLEY   31 


it,  when  we  cut  the  ends  off  the  cars,  there 
were  still  other  ends  left  ?  No  matter  how 
far  we  clipped  'em,  it  was  the  same.  It's 
a  curious  scientific  fact  that  you  can't 
cut  off  the  end  of  anything  and  leave  it 
endless.  We  tried  it  with  a  lot  of  things — 
cars,  lengths  of  hose,  coils  of  wire,  rope — 
everything  we  could  think  of — always 
with  the  same  result.  Ends  were  endless, 
but  nothing  else  was.  As  a  matter  of 
fact  they  multi- 
plied on  us. 
One  car  that 
had  two  ends 
when  we  began 
was  cut  in  the 
middle,  and 
then  was  found 
to  have  four 
ends  instead  of 
two." 

"That's  so, 
isn't  it!"  cried 
Alice, 


IT  CAME  TO    ME  LIKE  A  FLASH 


32     ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

''  It  unquestionably  is,"  said  the  Hat- 
ter, "  and  we  were  at  our  wits'  ends  until 
one  night  it  came  to  me  like  a  flash.  I 
had  gone  to  bed  on  a  Park  Bench,  accord- 
ing to  my  custom  of  using  nothing  that 
is  not  owned  by  the  city,  for  I  am  very 
serious  about  this  thing,  when  just  as  I 
was  dozing  off  the  whole  scheme  unfolded 
itself.  Build  a  circular  car,  of  course. 
One  big  enough  to  go  all  around  the  city. 
That  would  solve  so  many  problems. 
With  only  one  car,  there' d  be  no  car 
ahead,  which  always  irritates  people  who 
miss  it  and  then  have  to  take  it  later. 
With  only  one  car,  there  could  be  no  col- 
lisions. With  only  one  car  we  could  get 
along  with  only  one  motorman  and  one 
conductor  at  a  time,  thus  giving  the  others 
time  to  go  to  dancing  school  and  learn 
good  manners.  With  only  one  car,  and 
that  a  permanent  fixture,  nobody  could 
miss  it.  If  it  didn't  move  we  could 
economise  on  motive  power,  and  even 
bounce  the  motorman  without  injury  to 


THE  IMMOVABLE  TROLLEY    33 

the  service,  if  he  should  happen  to  be 
impudent  to  the  Board  of  Aldermen; 
nobody  would  be  run  over  by  it ;  nobody 
would  be  injured  getting  on  and  off;  it 
wouldn't  make  any  difference  if  the 
motorman  didn't  see  the  passenger  who 
wanted  to  get  aboard.  Being  circular 
there 'd  always  be  room  enough  to  go 
around,  and  there 'd  be  no  front  or  back 
platform  for  the  people  to  stand  on  or 
get  thrown  off  of  going  round  the  curves. 
The  expenses  of  keeping  up  the  roadbed 
would  be  nothing,  because,  being  motion- 
less, the  car  wouldn't  jolt  even  if  it  ran 
over  a  thank-you-marm  a  mile  high,  and 
best  of  all,  a  circular  car  has  no  ends  to 
collide  with  other  ends,  which  makes  it 
absolutely  safe.  I  never  heard  of  a  car 
colliding  with  itself,  did  you?" 

''  No,  I  never  did,"  replied  Alice. 

''  Nor  I  neither,"  said  the  March  Hare. 
"I  don't  think  it  ever  happened,  and 
therefore  I  reason  that  it  ain't  going  to 
happen. ' ' 


34      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

''And  how  do  the  people  hke  it?" 
asked  AHce. 

''  O,  they're  getting  to  like  it,"  replied 
the  Hatter.  "At  first  they  didn't  want 
to  ride  on  the  thing  at  all.  They  said 
what  you  did,  that  they  didn't  seem  to 
be  getting  anywhere,  and  they  hated  to 
walk  home,  but  after  awhile  we  proved 
to  them  that  walking  was  a  very  healthful 
exercise,  and  on  rainy  nights  they  found 
the  covered  car  a  good  deal  of  a  con- 
venience, especially  when  under  the  old 
system  of  private  ownership  of  umbrellas 
they  had  left  their  bumbershoots  at 
home.  Once  or  twice  they  lost  their 
tempers  and  sassed  the  conductor,  but 
he  put  them  in  jail  for  lazy  majesty — a 
German  disease  that  we  have  imported 
for  the  purpose.  As  an  officer  of  the 
Government  the  conductor  has  a  right 
to  arrest  anybody  who  sasses  him  as 
guilty  of  sedition,  and  a  night  or  two  in 
jail  takes  the  fun  out  of  that." 

''Have  you  had  any  elections  since 


THE  IMMOVABLE  TROLLEY   35 

you  established  it?"  asked  Alice,  whose 
father  had  once  run  for  Mayor,  and  who 
therefore  knew  something  about  politics. 

"No,"  said  the  Hatter  with  an  easy 
laugh.  ''  But  we  will  have  one  in  the 
spring.     We  shall  be  reelected  all  right." 

'* How  do  you  know?"  asked  Alice. 
''If  the  people  don't  like  Municipal 
Ownership " 

'*0,  but  they  do,"  said  the  March 
Hare.  ''You  see.  Miss  Alice,  we  have 
employed  a  safe  majority  of  the  voters 
in  the  various  Departments  of  our  M.  O. 
system,  their  terms  expiring  coincid en- 
tally  with  our  own — so  if  they  vote 
against  us  they  vote  against  themselves. 
It  really  makes  Municipal  Ownership 
self-perpetrating. ' ' 

"He  means  perpetuating,"  whispered 
the  March   Hare. 

"Ah,"  said  Alice.    "I  see." 

Just  then  a  heavy  gOng  like  a  huge 
fire  alarm  sounded  and  all  the  passengers 
sprang  to  their  feet  and  made  for  the  doors, 


36      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

"What's  that?"  cried  Ahce,  timidly, 
as  she  rose  up  hurriedly  with  all  the  rest. 

''Don't  be  alarmed.  It's  only  the 
signal  that  our  time  is  up,"  said  the 
Hatter.  "We  must  get  out  now  and 
make  room  for  others  who  may  wish  to 
use  the  cars.  Nobody  can  monopolise 
anything  under  our  system.  I  will  now 
take  you  to  see  our  Gas  and  Hot  Air 
Plant.  It  is  one  of  the  seven  wonders  of 
the  world." 

And  the  little  party  descended  into 
the  street. 


CHAPTER  III 

THE  AROMATIC  GAS  PLANT 

AFTER  the  little  party  had  descended 
from  the  marvellous  trolley,  con- 
cerning which  the  March  Hare  observed, 
most  properly,  that  under  private  owner- 
ship nothing  so  safe  and  sane  would  ever 
have  been  thought  of,  they  walked  along 
a  beautiful  highway,  bordered  with  rose- 
bushes, oleanders  and  geraniums,  until 
they  came  to  a  lovely  little  park  at  the 
entrance  to  which  was  a  huge  sign 
announcing  that  within  was 

THE    BLUNDERLAND    GAS    PLANT. 

To  tell  the  truth  Alice  had  not  cared 
particularly  to  visit  the  Gas  Works, 
because  she  had  once  been  driven  through 
what  was  known  at  home  as  the  Gas- 
House  district  on  her  way  to  the  ferry, 

37 


38      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

and  her  recollections  of  it  were  not  alto- 
gether pleasant.  As  she  recalled  it  it 
was  in  a  rather  squalid  neighbourhood, 
and  the  odours  emanating  from  it  were 
not  pleasing  to  what  she  called  her  '  'oil- 
factories."  But  here  in  Blunderland  all 
was  different.  Instead  of  the  huge  ugly 
retorts  rising  up  out  of  the  ground,  sur- 
rounded by  a  quality  of  air  that  one  could 
not  breathe  with  comfort,  was  as  beautiful 
a  garden  as  anyone  could  wish  to  wander 
through,  and  at  its  centre  there  stood  a 
retort,  but  not  one  that  looked  like  a 
great  iron  skull  cap  painted  red.  On 
the  contrary  the  Municipally  Owned 
retort  had  architecturally  all  the  classic 
beauty  of  a  Carnegie  Library. 

''We  call  it  the  Retort  Courteous," 
said  the  Hatter  pridefully  as  he  gazed  at 
the  structure,  and  smiled  happily  as  he 
noted  Alice's  very  evident  admiration 
for  it.  "  You  see,  in  urban  affairs,  as  a 
mere  matter  of  fitness,  we  believe  in 
cultivating  urbanity,   my  child,   and  in 


THE  AROMATIC  GAS  PLANT    39 

consequence  everything  we  do  is  con- 
ceived in  a  spirit  of  courtesy.  The  gas- 
houses  under  private  ownership  have  not 
been  what  you  would  call  polite.  They 
were  almost  invariably  heavy,  rude,  star- 
ing structures  that  reared  themselves 
offensively  in  the  public  eye,  and  our  first 
effort  was  to  subliminate " 

**Ee-liminate,"  whispered  the  March 
Hare. 

''I  beg  your  pardon,  Mr.  Hare," 
retorted  the  Hatter.  ''I  did  not  mean 
ee-liminate,  which  means  to  suppress, 
but  subliminate,  which  means  to  sub- 
limify  or  make  sublime.  I  guess  I  know 
my  own  language." 

''Excuse  me,"  said  the  March  Hare 
meekly.  "I  haven't  studied  the  M.  O. 
Dictionary  beyond  the  letter  Q,  Mr. 
Mayor,  and  I  was  not  aware  that  the 
Common  Council  had  as  yet  passed 
favourably  upon  subliminate,  either,"  he 
added  with  some  feeling. 

''That   is   because   it   was   not   until 


40      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

yesterday  that  the  Copperation  Council 
decided  that  subliminate  was  a  constitu- 
tional word,"  said  the  Hatter  sharply. 
"  In  view  of  his  report  to  me,  which  I 
wrote  myself  and  therefore  know  the 
provisions  of,  he  states  that  subliminate 
is  a  perfectly  just  and  proper  word  involv- 
ing no  infringement  upon  the  rights  of 
others,  and  in  no  wise  impairing  the  value 
of  innocent  vested  interests,  and  is  there- 
fore legal.  Therefore,  I  shall  use  it 
whether  the  Common  Council  approves 
it  or  not.  If  they  resolve  that  it  is  not  a 
good  word,  I  shall  veto  the  resolution. 
If  you  don't  like  it  I'll  send  3^ou  your 
resignation." 

''  That  being  the  case,"  said  the  March 
Hare,  "I  withdraw  my  objections." 

''Which,"  observed  the  Hatter  tri- 
umphantly, turning  to  Alice,  '*  shows  you, 
my  dear  young  lady,  the  very  great  value 
of  the  Municipal  Ownership  idea  as 
applied  to  the  Board  of  Aldermen.  As 
the  White  Knight  put  it  in  one  of  his 


THE  AROMATIC  GAS  PLANT   41 

poetical  reports  printed  in  Volume  347, 
of  the  Copperation  Council's  Opinions 
for  October,   1906,  page  926, 

A    City    may    not    own    its    Gas, 

Its  Barber  Shops,  or  Cars 
It  may   not  raise  Asparagrass, 

Or   run   Official    Bars; 
It  may  not  own  a  big  Hotel 

Or  keep  a  Public  Hen, 
But  it  will  always  find  it  well 

To    own    its    Aldermen. 

When  Aldermen  were  owned  by  private 
interests  the  public  interests  suffered,  but 
in  this  town  where  the  City  Fathers  be- 
long to  the  City  they  have  to  do  what 
the  City  tells  them  to,  or  get  out." 

It  sounds  good,"  was  all  that  Alice 
could  think  of  to  say. 

''What  I  was  trying  to  tell  you  when 
the  Alderman  interpolated — "  the  Hat- 
ter went  on. 

** There  he  goes  again!"  growled  the 
March  Hare. 


42      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

"  Was  that  the  first  thing  we  did  when 
we  took  over  the  Gas  Plant  was  to  sub- 
limify  the  externals  of  the  works  along 
lines  of  Architectural  and  Olfactoreal 
beauty  both  to  the  eye  and  to  the  nose, 
two  organs  of  the  human  structure  that 
private  interests  seldom  pay  much  atten- 
tion to.  I  asked  myself  two  questions. 
First,  is  it  necessary  for  a  gas  works  to 
be  ugly?  Second,  is  it  necessary  for  gas 
works  to  be  so  odourwhifferous  that  the 
smell  of  the  Automobile  is  a  dream  of 
fragrant  beauty  alongside  of  it?  To  both 
these  questions  the  answer  was  plain. 
Of  course  it  ain't.  Beauty  can  be  applied 
to  the  lines  of  a  gas-tank  just  as  readily 
as  to  the  lines  of  a  hippopotamus,  and  as 
for  the  odours,  they  are  due  to  the  fact 
that  gas  as  it  is  now  made  does  not  smell 
pleasantly,  but  there  is  no  reason  why  it 
should  not  be  so  manufactured  that  peo- 
ple would  be  willing  to  use  it  on  their 
handkerchiefs.  I  learned  that  Professor 
Burbank  of  California  had  developed  a 


THE  AROMATIC  GAS  PLANT    43 

cactus  plant  that  could  be  used  for  a  sofa 
cushion — ^why,  I  asked  myself,  could  he 
not  develop  a  gas-plant  that  will  put 
forth  flowers  the  perfume  of  which  should 
make  that  of  the  violet,  and  the  rose, 
sink  into  inoculated  desoupitude  ? " 

"It  hardly  seems  possible,  does  it?" 
said  Alice. 

*'To  a  private  mind  it  presents  in- 
superable difficulties, "  said  the  Hatter, 
''but  to  a  public  mind  like  my  own 
nothing  is  impossible.  If  a  man  can 
do  a  seemingly  impossible  thing  with 
one  plant  there  is  no  reason  why  he 
shouldn't  do  a  seemingly  impossible  thing 
with  another  plant,  so  I  immediately 
wrote  to  Professor  Burbank  offering 
him  a  hundred  thousand  dollars  in  Blund- 
erland  Deferred  Debenture  Gas  Improve- 
ment Bonds  a  year  to  come  here  and 
see  what  he  could  do  to  transmogrify 
our  gas-plant." 

''Oh,  I  am  so  glad,"  cried  Alice  de- 
lightedly.    "  I   should   so  love   to   meet 


44      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

Mr.  Burbank  and  thank  him  for  inventing 
the  coreless  apple " 

*'  You  don't  means  the  Corhss  Engine, 
do  you?"  asked  the  White  Knight. 

''Well,  I'm  sorry,"  said  the  Hatter, 
*'but  Mr.  Burbank  wouldn't  come  unless 
we'd  pay  him  real  money,  which,  although 
we  don't  publish  the  fact  broadcast,  is 
not  in  strict  accord  with  the  highest 
principles  of  Municipal  Ownership.  We 
contend  that  when  people  work  for  the 
common  weal  they  ought  to  be  satisfied 
to  receive  their  pay  in  the  common  wealth, 
and  under  the  M.  O.  system  the  most 
common  kind  of  wealth  is  represented  by 
Bonds.  Consequently  we  wrote  again 
to  Mr.  Burbank,  and  expressed  our  regret 
that  a  man  of  his  genius  should  care  more 
for  his  own  selfish  interests  than  for  the 
public  weal,  and  as  a  sort  of  sarcasm  on 
his  meanness  I  enclosed  five  of  our  2963 
Guaranteed  Extension  four  per  cents  to 
pay  for  the  two-cent  stamp  he  had  put 
upon  his  letter." 


THE  AROMATIC  GAS  PLANT   45 

''What  are  the  2963  Guaranteed  Ex- 
tension four  per  cents? "  asked  AUce. 

They  are  sinking  fund  bonds  payable 
in  2963,  only  we  guarantee  to  extend  the 
date  of  payment  to  3963  in  case  the  sink- 


ing    fund    has 
sunk  so  low  we 
don't  feel  like  pay- 
ing them  in  2963," 
explained  the  Hat-  "studying  the  economic  theories 

.,  -r  ,  >  •  OF  DR.  WACK" 

ter.         It  s  an  m- 

genious  financial  idea  that  I  got  from 
studying  the  economic  theories  of  Dr. 
Wack,  Professor  of  Repudiation  and  Other 
Political  Economies  at  the  Wack  Busi- 
ness College  at  Squantumville,  Florida. 
It  is  the  only  economic  theory  I  know 
of   that    absolutely  prevents   debt  from 


46     ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

becoming  a  burden.  But  that  aside,  when 
Mr.  Burbank  showed  that  he  preferred 
fooUng  with  such  futile  things  as  pine- 
apples and  hollyhocks,  to  the  really  up- 
lifting work  of  providing  the  people  with 
gas  that  was  redolent  of  the  spices  of 
Araby,  I  resolved  to  do  the  thing  myself." 

"  He  is  a  man  of  real  inventive  genius," 
said  the  March  Hare,  anxious,  apparently, 
to  square  himself  with  the  Hatter  again. 

''Thank  you,  Alderman,"  said  the 
Hatter.  ''It  is  a  real  pleasure  to  find 
myself  strictly  in  accord  with  your  views 
once  more.  But  to  resume,  Miss  Alice — 
as  I  say  I  resolved  to  tackle  the  problem 
myself." 

"  Fine,"  said  Alice.  "  So  you  went  in 
and  studied  how  to  make  gas  the  old  way 
and  then " 

"Not  at  all,"  interrupted  the  Hatter. 
"  Not  at  all.  That  would  have  been  fatal. 
I  found  that  everybody  who  knew  how 
to  make  gas  the  old  way  said  the  thing 
was  impossible.     Hence,  I  reasoned,  the 


THE  AROMATIC  GAS  PLANT   47 

man  who  will  find  it  possible  must  be 
somebody  who  never  knew  anything 
about  the  old  way  of  making  gas,  and 
nobody  in  the  whole  world  knew  less 
about  it  than  I.  Manifestly  then  I 
became  the  chosen  instrument  to  work 
the  reform,  so  I  plunged  in  and  you  really 
can't  imagine  how  easy  it  all  turned  out. 
I  had  no  old  prejudices  in  gas-making  to 
overcome,  no  set,  finicky  ideas  to  serve  as 
obstacles  to  progress,  and  inside  of  a  week 
I  had  it.  I  filled  the  gas  tanks  half  full 
of  cologne,  and  then  pumped  hot  air 
through  them  until  they  were  chock  full. 
I  figured  it  out  that  cologne  was  nothing 
more  than  alcohol  flavoured  with  axio- 
matic oils " 

''Aromatic,"  interrupted  the  March 
Hare,  forgetting  himself  for  the  moment. 

The  Hatter  frowned  heavily  upon  the 
Alderman,  and  there  is  no  telling  what 
would  have  happened  had  not  the  White 
Knight  interfered  to  protect  the  offender. 

''It's    still    an    open    question,    Mr. 


48      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

Mayor,"  he  observed,  ''if  axiomatic  ap- 
plied to  a  scent  is  constitutional.  If  an 
odour  should  become  axiomatic  we  could 
never  get  rid  of  it  you  see,  and  I  think  the 
Alderman  has  distinguished  authority 
for  his  correction,   which " 


"the  WHITE    KNIGHT    INTERFERED" 

' *  O  very  well, ' '  said  the  Hatter.  ' '  Let 
it  go.  I  prefer  axiomatic,  but  the  private 
predilections  of  an  official  should  not  be 
permitted  to  influence  his  official  actions. 
I  intend  always  to  operate  within  the 
limits  of  the  law,  so  if  the  law  says 
aromatic,  aromatic  be  it.      I  figured  that 


THE  AROMATIC  GAS  PLANT  49 

cologne  was  nothing  more  than  alcohol 
flavoured  with  aromatic  oils,  and  that 
inasmuch  as  both  alcohol  and  oil  bum 
readily,  there  was  no  reason  why  hot  air 
passed  through  them  should  not  bum 
also,  and  carry  off  some  of  the  aroma  as 
well." 

''  It  certainly  was  a  very  pretty  idea," 
said  Alice. 

"All  the  M.  O.  ideas  are  pretty,"  said 
the  March  Hare.  *Tt  is  only  the  question 
of  reducing  beauty  to  the  basis  of  prac- 
tical utility  that  confronts  us." 

''And  how  did  it  work?"  asked  Alice, 
very  much  interested. 

''Beautifully,"  said  the  Hatter. 
"  Only  it  wouldn't  burn — just  why  I 
haven't  been  able  to  find  out.  But  in  the 
matter  of  perfume  it  was  fine.  People 
who  turned  on  their  jets  the  first  night 
soon  found  their  houses  smelling  like 
bowers  of  roses,  and  a  great  many  of  them 
liked  it  so  much  that  they  turned  on  every 
jet  in  the  house,  and  left  them  turned  on 


50      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 


all  day,  so  that  in  the  mere 
matter  of  consumption 
twice  as  much  of  my  aro- 
matic illuminating  air  was 


"IN  THE  MATTER  OF  PERFUME  IT  WAS  FINE" 

used  in  a  week  as  the  companies  had 
charged  for  under  the  old  system,  and 
we  used  the  same  metres,  too.  In  addi- 
tion to  this,  as  a  mere  life-saving  device, 
my  invention  proved  to  have  a  wonderful 
value.  In  the  first  place  nobody  could 
blow  it  out  and  be  found  gas-fixturated 

the  next  morning " 

''Good   word   that — so    much    more 
expressive  than  the  old  privately  owned 


THE  AROMATIC  GAS  PLANT    51 

dictionary  word  asphyxiated,"   said  the 
March  Hare. 

The  Hatter  nodded  his  appreciation  of 
the  March  Hare's  comphment,  and  ad- 
mitted him  once  more  to  his  good  graces. 

''And  nobody  could  commit  suicide 

with  it  the  way  they  used  to  do  with  the 

old    kind 

of    gas, 

because, 

you    see, 

it    was, 

after   all, 

only  hot 

air,  which 

is  good 

for   the 

lungs 

w  h  ich- 

ever  way 

it'sgoing, 

in  or  out. 

We  use 

h  O  t      a  i  r  •■  nobody  could  be  GAS-nXIUSATED 


52      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

all  the  time  in  our  Administration  and 
it  is  wonderful  what  results  you  can  get 
from  it,"  he  went  on.  ''  But  it  wouldn't 
light.  In  fact  when  anybody  tried  to 
light  it,  such  was  the  pressure,  it  blew  out 
the  match,  which  I  regard  as  an  additional 
point  in  its  favour.  If  we  have  gas  that 
blows  out  matches  the  minute  the  match 
is  applied  to  it,  does  not  that  reduce  the 
chance  of  fire  from  the  careless  habit  some 
people  have  of  throwing  lighted  matches 
into  the  waste-basket?" 

*'It  most  certainly  does,"  said  the 
White  Knight  gravely,  and  in  such  tones 
of  finality  that  Alice  did  not  venture  to 
dispute  his  assertion. 

**  We're  all  agreed  upon  that  point," 
said  the  Hatter.  "  But  there  were  com- 
plaints of  course.  Some  people,  mostly 
capitalists  who  were  rich  enough  to  have 
libraries  of  their  own,  complained  that 
they  couldn't  read  nights  because  the  gas 
wouldn't  light.  I  replied  that  if  they 
wanted  to  read  they  could  go  to  the 


THE  AROMATIC  GAS  PLANT  53 

Public  Library,  where  there  were  oil 
lamps,  and  electric  lights.  Besides  read- 
ing at  night  is  bad  for  the  eyes.  Others 
objected  that  they  couldn't  see  to  go  to 
bed.  The  answer  to  that  was  simple 
enough.  People  don't  need  to  see  to  go 
to  bed.  They  may  need  to  see  when  they 
are  dressing  in  the  morning,  but  when 
they  go  to  bed  all  they  have  to  do  is  to 
take  their  clothes  off  and  go,  and  I  added 
that  people  who  didn't  know  enough  to 
do  that  had  better  have  nurses.  Finally 
some  of  the  chief  kickers  got  up  a  mass- 
meeting  and  protested  that  the  new  gas 
wasn't  gas  at  all,  and  in  view  of  that  fact 
refused  to  pay  their  gas  tax." 

'*  Oho! "  said  Alice.     ''  That  was  pretty 
serious  I  should  think." 

"  It  seemed  so  at  first,"  said  the  Hat- 
ter, ''but  just  then  the  beauty  of  the 
Municipal  Ownership  scheme  stepped  in. 
I  called  a  special  meeting  of  the  Common 
Council  and  they  settled  the  question 
once  for  all." 


54      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

"  Good ! "  cried  Alice.  **  How  did  they 
do  it?" 

"They  passed  a  resolution,"  said  the 
Hatter,  "unanimously  declaring  the  aro- 
matic hot-air  to  be  gas  of  the  most 
excellent  quality,  and  made  it  a  misde- 
meanor for  anybody  to  say  that  it  wasn't. 
I  signed  the  ordinance  and  from  that 
minute  on  our  gas  was  gas  by  law." 

"Still,"  said  Alice,  "those  people  had 
already  said  it  wasn't.  Did  they  back 
down?" 

"Most  of  'em  did,"  laughed  the 
Hatter.  "And  the  rest  were  fined  $500 
apiece  and  sent  to  jail  for  six  months. 
You  see  we  made  the  law  sufficiently 
retroactive  to  grab  the  whole  bunch. 
Since  then  there  have  been  no  com- 
plaints." 

Whereupon  the  Hatter  invited  Alice 
to  stroll  through  the  gas-plant  with  him, 
which  the  little  girl  did,  and  declared  it 
later  to  have  been  sweeter  than  a  walk 
through  a  rose-garden,  which  causes  me 


THE  AROMATIC  GAS  PLANT  55 

to  believe  that  the  Mayor's  scheme  was  a 
pretty  wonderful  one  after  all,  and  quite 
worthy  of  a  Hatter  thrust  by  the  vagaries 
of  politics  into  the  difficult  business  of 
gas  making. 


CHAPTER   IV 

THE    CITY-OWNED    POLICE 

AFTER  Alice  and  her  companions  had 
enjoyed  the  aromatic  dehghts  of  the 
Blunderland  Gas  Plant  the  Hatter  and 
his  Cabinet  went  into  executive  session 
for  a  few  hours  to  decide  where  they 
should  go  next.  The  interests  of  Blunder- 
land  were  so  varied  that  this  was  a  some- 
what difficult  matter  to  settle,  especially 
as  Mr.  Alderman  March  Hare,  who  was 
a  great  stickler  for  the  rights  of  the  hon- 
ourable body  to  which  he  belonged, 
wished  to  have  the  question  referred  to 
a  special  meeting  of  the  Common  Council. 
The  White  Knight  as  Corporation  Coun- 
sel, however,  advised  the  Hatter  that 
there  was  no  warrant  in  law  compelling 
him  to  accede  to  the  March  Hare's 
demand. 

56 


THE  CITY-OWNED  POLICE     57 


''The  Municipal  Ownership  of  Rub- 
bernecks act  has  not  yet  been  passed," 
he  observed.  "Consequently  visitors 
to  our  City  can  be  shown  about  in 
any  way  in  which  the  party  in  charge 
chooses  to  choose." 

''All 
right  if 
you  say 
so,"  said 
March 
Hare 
coldly. 
"Only  I'd 
like  to 
have  that 
opinion 


m  writ- 


"WROTE  ON  THE   SIDE   OF  A  CONVENIENT  GAS  TANK" 


ing.  Pub- 
lic  officials  nowadays  are  too  prune  to 
deny " 

"Prone,  I  guess  you  mean,"  laughed 
the  Hatter  gleefully. 

"I    prefer   prune,"    said    the    March 


58      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

Hare,  with  dignity.  "  Public  officials  are 
too  prune  nowadays  to  deny  what  they 
say  in  private  conversation  to  encourage 
me  to  take  any  chances." 

''Certainly,"  returned  the  White 
Knight.  'Til  write  it  out  for  you  with 
pleasure."  Whereupon,  taking  a  piece 
of  chalk  from  his  pocket,  he  wrote  with 
it  on  the  side  of  a  convenient  gas  tank 
the  following   opinion: 

IN    RE    WHAT    TO    DO    NEXT 

Opinion  7,543,467,223.     Liber  2 9 .     Gas 
Tank  No.  6 

You  can  go  to  the  People's  Shoe  Shop, 
Or  down  to  the  new  Town  Pump. 
You  can  visit  the  Civic  Glue  Shop, 
Or  call  on  the  Public  Chump. 

You    can    visit    the    Social    Rooster, 
Or  sample   Municipal   Cheese — 
In  short  you  can  do  what  you  choose  ter, 
And  go  where  you  dee  dash  please. 

(vSigned)  John  Doe  White  Knight, 
Copperation  Counsel. 


THE  CITY-OWNED  POLICE     59 

Meanwhile  Alice  had  been  turned  over 
to  the  Chief  of  Police  to  be  cared  for, 
and  was  charmed  to  discover  that  that 
individual  was  none  other  than  her  old 
friend  the  Dormouse  whom  she  had  met 
in  her  trip  through  Wonderland  at  the 


I'm  the  soundest  sleeper  in  town  " 


Hatter's    tea- 
party. 

"  How  did 
you  ever  come 
to  be  Chief  of 
Police?"  she 
cried  delightedly,  as  she  recognised  him. 

'' I'm  the  soundest  sleeper  in  town," 
he  replied  with  a  yawn,  "  so  they  made  me 
head  of  the  force.  You  see,  young  lady, 
the  great  trouble  with  the  average  police- 
man is  that  he's  too  wide-awake,  and 
that  leads  to  graft.      When  the  Hatter's 


6o      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

Municipal  Police  Commission  looked  into 
the  question  they  found  that  the  Cop  who 
spent  most  of  his  time  asleep  spent  less  of 
his  time  clubbing  people  who  wouldn't 
whack  up  with  him  on  the  profits  of  their 
business.  Every  ossifer  who  has  been 
convicted  of  petty  larceny  in  the  past, 
the  records  show,  has  been  a  fellow  who 
stayed  awake  most  of  the  time,  and  no 
ossifer  has  ever  yet  been  known  to  go  in 
for  graft  or  get  a  record  for  clubbing 
innocent  highwaymen  over  the  head  while 
he  was  asleep  either  on  a  Park  Bench,  or 
in  an  alleyway.  Consequently,  says  they, 
Mr.  Dormouse  who  wakes  up  only  on 
every  fifth  Thursday  in  February  will 
make  the  best  Police  ossifer  in  the  bunch, 
and  being  the  best  had  ought  to  be  chose 
chief.  Hence  accordingly,  it  became  thus. 
Moreover  I  am  a  champion  Tea  Drinker. ' ' 

''What's  that  got  to  do  with  it?" 
demanded  Alice. 

''Everything,"  said  the  Dormouse, 
rubbing  his  eyes  sleepily.    "  Every  blessed 


THE  CITY-OWNED  POLICE     6i 

thing.  Tea  Drinking  is  one  of  our  hardest 
duties  under  the  new  system  providing 
for  the  Municipal  Ownership  of  Every- 
thing In  Sight  Including  the  Cop  on  the 
Comer.  You  see  when  the  City  grabbed 
up  the  Bakeries,  and  the  Trolleys,  and  the 
Grand  Opera  House,  and  the  Condensed 
Milk  Factory,  and  the  Saw  Mills,  and  the 
Breakfast  Food  Jungles,  all  envy,  hatred 
and  malice  disappeared.  Everybody 
loved  his  neighbour  better  than  he  did 
himself  or  his  wife's  family,  and  con- 
sequently hence  there  was  therefore  no 
crime,  which  left  the  Policeman  out  of  a 
job.  The  only  Burglars  left  in  town  were 
the  regularly  appointed  official  safe- 
crackers representing  the  Municipal  Own- 
ership of  Petty  and  Grand  Larceny. 
The  only  gambling  houses  left  were  under 
the  direct  supervision  of  the  Mayor  acting 
ex-officio  and  the  Chairman  of  the  Alder- 
manic  Committee  on  Faro  and  Roulette. 
The  Game  of  Bunco  became  a  duly 
authorised  official  diversion  under  con- 


62      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

trol  of  the  Tax  Assessors,  and  the  Town 
Toper,  being  elected  by  popular  vote, 
could  get  as  leery  as  he  pleased  by  public 
consent.  Life  Insurance  Agents  became 
likewise  Public  Servants  under  the  Gen- 
eral Ordinance  of  1905  starting  the  Civic 
Tontine  Parlours  where  people  were  com- 
pelled to  buy  Life  Insurance  from  the 
City  itself  at  so  much  a  yard." 

''A  yard?"  cried  Alice. 

**Yep,"  yawned  the  Dormouse.  "  Pol- 
icies were  issued  anywhere  from  three 
inches  to  a  yard  long,  each  inch  represent- 
ing a  year.  If  you  bought  a  mile  of  Life 
Insurance  you  were  insured  for  as  many 
years  as  there  are  inches  in  a  mile.  I  never 
could  stay  awake  long  enough  to  figure 
out  how  much  that  is,  but  it's  several 
years." 

''But  what  did  the  Agents  have  to 
do?"  asked  Alice.  ''If  people  had  to 
take  it " 

"They  went  out  and  grabbed  delin- 
quents," said  the  Dormouse. 


THE  CITY-OWNED  POLICE     63 

"  I  shouldn't  think  people  would  need 
life  insurance  for  the  benefit  of  their  fam- 
ilies if  everybody  has  everything  he  wants 
in  Blunderland,"  put  in  Alice. 

''They  don't,"  said  the  Dormouse, 
rapping  his  head  with  his  club  to  keep 
from  dropping  off  to  sleep.  ''  It  ain't 
for  the  benefit  of  their  families — it's  for 
the  benefit  of  the  City.  A  City  like  this 
can  use  benefits  to  great  advantages  most 
all  the  time.  But  you  see  the  results 
of  Municipalising  all  sorts  of  crime  from 
straight  burglary  up  to  life  insurance 
resulted  in  the  Police  having  nothing 
to  do.  There  wasn't  anybody  to  arrest, 
or  to  quell,  or  to  club,  and  so  they  turned 
us  into  a  social  organisation  and  that's 
where  Tea  Drinking  comes  in  strong. 
Every  afternoon  at  five  o'clock,  tea  is 
served  on  every  comer  in  Blunderland 
by  the  Policeman  on  beat.  They  have 
become  quite  a  public  function,  but 
they're  a  trifle  hard  on  the  police  who 
don't  care  for  tea,  because  we  have  to  be 


64      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

very  polite  and  take  it  with  everybody 
who  comes  up,  and  be  nice  and  chatty 
into  the  bargain.  In  addition  to  this 
we  are  required  to  go  to  dances  and  take 
care  of  the  wall-flowers  and  make  our- 
selves generally  agreeable.     It  is  one  of 


TEA  IS  SERVED  ON  EVERY  CORNER' 


the  laws  of  Blunderland  that  all  girls  are 
bom  free  and  equal  in  the  pursuit  of  life, 
liberty  and  german  favours,  and  when 
any  of  the  Terpsichorean  Force  finds  a 
girl  with  red  hair  and  snub  nose  with 
freckles  on  it  decorating  the  wall  and 
being  neglected  at  a  cotillion,  it  is  his 
duty  to  plunge  in  and  either  dance  with 
her  himself,  or  put  some  Willieboy  under 


THE  CITY-OWNED  POLICE     65 

arrest  until  he  calls  her  out  and  gives 
her  the  time  of  her  life.  You  can't 
imagine  what  wonderful  results  this  Muni- 
cipal Control  of  that  social  situation 
has  done  in  the  line  of  popularising  plain 
girls. ' ' 

''It  sounds  very  interesting,"  Alice 
ventured.  *'  I  should  think  the  girls 
would  like  it." 

"  They  do,"  said  the  Dormouse.  ''  The 
only  objection  to  it  comes  from  the  Willie- 
boys,  but  nobody  cares  much  what  they 
think  because  there  aren't  many  of  them 
that  can  think." 

''  And  is  that  all  you  do? "  asked  Alice. 

''Oh,  no  indeed,"  said  the  Dormouse. 
"We  keep  reserves  for  Bridge  Parties 
at  the  Station  all  the  time,  so  that  if 
any  taxpayer  ever  needs  a  fourth  hand 
to  make  up  a  game  all  he  has  to  do  is  to 
ring  up  headquarters  and  get  an  ossifer 
to  come  up  and  play.  In  addition  to  this 
we  look  after  old  ladies  who  want  to  go 
shopping   and   aren't  strong  enough  to 


66      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

break  through  the  rush  Hne  at  the  bar- 
gain counters.  And  then  once  in  a  while 
somebody's  baby  will  wake  up  at  three 
o'clock  in  the  morning  and  demand  the 
moon,  and  we  go  up  and  attend  to  it." 

''What?"  cried  Alice  in  amazement. 
''  You  don't  mean  to  say  you  give  it  the 
moon?" 

"Not  exactly,"  said  the  Dormouse. 
"We  just  promise  to  give  it.  That's 
one  of  the  strong  points  about  Municipal 
Ownership.  It's  the  easiest  system  to 
make  promises  under  you  ever  knew. 
You  can  promise  anything,  and  later  on 
if  you  don't  make  good  you  can  promise 
something  better,  and  so  on.  It  works 
very  well  in  a  great  many  places. 

"  But  that  isn't  really  what  we  go  up 
to  the  house  for.  We  go  up  to  relieve 
the  poor  tired  parents  who  have  been 
working  hard  all  day  and  are  too  weary 
to  walk  up  and  down  the  floor  with  the 
baby.  We  respond  immediately  to  the 
call,  grab  up  the  baby  and  walk  the  floor 


THE  CITY-OWNED  POLICE     67 

with  him  until  he  is  quiet  again.  Once 
last  winter  a  chap  with  three  pairs  of 
twins  six  months,  a  year  and  a  half,  and 
three  years  old  respectively,  had  to  send 
for  the  patrol  wagon.     All  six  of   'em 


WE    RESPOND  IMMEDIATELY  TO    THE    CALL 


waked  up  and  began  to  squall  at  once 
and  we  sent  seven  ossifers  and  a  sergeant 
up  to  look  after  them.  They  had  to 
parade  around  that  house  from  2  a.  m. 
until  seven-thirty  before  those  babies 
quit  yelling." 

Just  at  this  moment  the  Dormouse 


68      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

was  interrupted  in  his  story  by  a  raggedly 
dressed  old  man  on  a  pair  of  crutches 
who  begged  an  alms  of  him. 

''Only  a  dollar,  sir,"  he  asked  pite- 
ously.  ''Only  a  dollar  to  relieve  a 
terrible  case  of  distress." 

"Certainly,  Simpkins,"  said  the  Dor- 
mouse kindly.  "  I — well  I'll  be  jig- 
gered— "  he  added,  feeling  through  his 
pockets.  "  I  must  have  left  my  money 
at  home.  Maybe  this  young  lady  can 
help  you  out.  Miss  Alice,  permit  me 
to  introduce  you  to  Simpkins.  He's  the 
most  successful  beggar  in  nineteen 
counties." 

"Glad  to  meet  you,"  said  Alice, 
shaking   hands   with   Simpkins. 

"You  couldn't  spare  a  dollar,  could 
you.    Miss?"    whined    the    Beggar.     "It 
will  relieve   a  terrible  case   of  distress 
Ma'am." 

"Why — yes,"  said  Alice,  suddenly 
remembering  that  she  had  a  silver  dollar 
in  her  pocket.     "Here  it  is." 


THE  CITY-OWNED  POLICE     69 

And  she  handed  it  to  Simpkins  who 
thanked  her  profusely. 

"How's  business?"  asked  the 
Dormouse. 

''Fine,"   said  Simpkins,   executing  a 


jig.  ''  I've  collected  $800 
since  eleven  o'clock  this 
morning." 

Whereupon,  forget- 
ting his  crutches,  he  made    """^"^  "^^  "^'^  ^^^ 

^  AGILITY  OF  AN  ANTELOPE  " 

off  Up  the  street  with  the 

agility  of  an  antelope.     Alice  gazed  after 

him  in  wonder. 

"I — I   didn't   suppose  you  had   any 
beggars  in  Blunderland,"   said  she. 

''He's  the  only  one,"  replied  the  Dor- 
mouse.    "  He's  the  official  Beggar  of  the 


70      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

Town.  He  gets  $25,000  in  Tenth  De- 
ferred Reorganisation  Certificates  a  year 
— which,  if  the  Certificates  pay  ten  cents 
on  the  dollar,  as  we  hope,  will  turn  out  to 
be  a  good  salary  in  the  end." 

''But  why  does  he  beg?  Who  gets  the 
money?"  asked  Alice. 

' '  The  City, ' '  said  the  Dormouse.  '  'Once 
in  a  while  when  the  Printing  Plant  gets 
clogged  up  with  large  orders  of  Bonds  for 
our  various  enterprises,  the  City  has  to 
get  hold  of  a  few  dollars  of  real  money,  so 
they  send  Simpkins  out  for  it.  I  believe 
he's  out  to-day  trying  to  raise  the  inter- 
est on  the  Sixteenth  Mortgage  Extension 
Bonds  on  the  Municipal  Cigarette  Plant 
purchased  year  before  last.  It's  ten 
months  overdue  and  the  former  owners 
have  asked  the  Government  to  smoke 
up." 

''Oh!"  said  Alice.  "Is  the  Printing 
Plant  clogged  up?" 

"Unmercifully,"  said  the  Dormouse. 
"  Not  to  say  teetotally.     They're  prepar- 


THE  CITY-OWNED  POLICE      71 

ing  their  Christmas  issues  in  Magazine 
form,  and  that  means  a  terrible  lot  of 
extra  work.  I  don't  believe  the  way 
things  look  now  that  the  City  will  be  able 
to  print  the  money  for  last  January's  pay- 
roll until  somewhere  around  the  next 
Fourth  of  July,  and  if  that's  the  case  poor 
old  Simpkins  will  either  have  to  work 
overtime  or  get  a  half-dozen  Deputy 
Assistant  Beggars  to  put  the  town  in 
funds.  I'm  expecting  to  have  the  Police 
put  on  that  job  at  any  minute." 

Alice  was  silent  for  a  moment,  and  the 
Dormouse  went  on. 

"  What  do  you  think  of  the  Municipal 
Ownership  of  the  Police  idea?"  he  asked. 

"It's  fine,"  said  Alice.  "But  I 
thought  all  Cities  owned  their  police 
force." 

"A  great  many  people  think  that,'* 
laughed  the  Dormouse.  "But  it  isn't 
so." 

"It  is  in  New  York  and  Chicago — I 
heard  my  Papa  say  so  once,"  said  Alice. 


72      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

Again  the  Dormouse  laughed. 

"Well,"  he  said.  "I  don't  want  to 
cast  any  asparagus  on  your  father's 
intelligence,  but  he's  wrong.  The  Police 
may  own  New  York  and  Chicago,  but 
New  York  and  Chicago  don't  own  the 
police — ^not  by  a  long  shot." 

''Who  does,  then?"  demanded  Alice. 

"The  Lord  only  knows,"  laughed  the 
Dormouse.  "  Some  people  say  John  Doe, 
and  other  people  say  the  Man  Higher  Up, 
but  which  it  is,  or  who  either  of  'em  may 
be,  I  haven't  the  slightest  idea.  Maybe 
they  belong  to  the  Copper  Trust." 

And  then  with  a  sly  wink  at  the  little 
maid  the  Dormouse  turned  over  and  went 
to  sleep. 


CHAPTER  V 

THE    MUNICIPAPHONE 

ARMED  with  the  Copperation  Coun- 
sel's opinion  authorising  him  to 
do  whatever  he  pleased  next,  the  Hatter 
decided    that  he    would    give    Alice    a 


VOU  CAN  TALK  ALL  YOU  PLEASE' 


demonstration    of   the  workings   of    the 
Municipaphone. 

73 


74      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

''  Which,"  said  he  proudly,  "  I  consider 
to  be  the  most  Democrat icising  thing  I 
have  ever  invented.  You  can  talk  all 
you  please  about  Universal  Brotherhood, 
Unlimited  Sisterhood,  and  the  Infinity  of 
Unclehood,  but  all  of  these  movements 
put  together  haven't  done  as  much  to 
promote  the  equality  of  everybody  as 
that  Municipaphone  idea  of  mine." 

Alice  thought  the  Cheshire  Cat's  grin 
expanded  slightly  as  the  Hatter  spoke, 
but  she  was  not  sure,  although  he  most 
assuredly  did  wink  at  her. 

''I  should  admire  to  see  it,"  she  said. 
"What  is  it,  just?" 

''It  is  the  result  of  the  Municipal 
Ownership  of  the  Telephone,"  returned 
the  Hatter  proudly.  "We  have  taken 
over  everything  that  works  by  electricity 
— electric  lighting,  the  telegraph,  the 
telephone " 

''Even  the  thunder  and  lightning,'* 
interrupted  the  White  Knight.  "And 
under  our  management  everything  runs 


THE  MUNICIPAPHONE         75 

so  smoothly  that  even  the  Hghtning 
doesn't  strike  any  more.  That's  a  great 
thing  in  Municipal  Ownership.  There 
aren't  any  more  strikes  under  it." 

''What  he  says  is  true,  my  child," 
said  the  Hatter,  ''  and  in  time  we  expect 
to  get  the  thunder  itself  under  control  so 
that  it  will  serve  some  useful  purpose — I 
don't  know  yet  exactly  what,  but  I  am 
having  experiments  made  in  storage 
batteries  which  will  catch  and  hold  the 
thunder  with  the  idea  of  saving  the  noise 
it  makes  for  fire- crackers,  or  Presidential 
salutes,  or  other  things  and  occasions 
where  the  fracturing  of  silence  seems 
desirable.  Surely  if  we  can  take  elec- 
tricity and  under  suitable  Municipal 
supervision  make  it  serve  as  a  substitute 
for  a  tallow  dip,  why  shouldn't  we  extract 
the  reverberance  with  which  it  is  fraught 
to  add  to  the  general  clangour  of  joyous 
occasions?" 

"No  reason  at  all,"   said  Alice.     ''I 
wonder  no  one  has  ever  thought  of  that 


76      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

before.  Just  think  of  all  the  magnificent 
noises  that  go  to  waste  in  a  thunder- 
storm." 

''  You  will  discover  in  time,  my  dear 
child,  that  only  under  the  Municipal 
Ownership  of  Brains  such  as  we  have  here, 
can  such  great  ideas  be  seized  from  the 
infinity  of  nothingness  and  turned  into 
an  irresistible  propaganda,"  said  the 
Hatter  loftily. 

"He's  the  biggest  gander  of  the 
bunch,"  whispered  the  March  Hare. 

''  But  it  isn't  what  we  are  going  to  do, 
but  what  we  have  done  that  we  propose 
to  show  you,"  continued  the  Hatter, 
eyeing  the  March  Hare  coldly.  ''And 
as  I  have  said,  the  Municipaphone  is  my 
crowning  achievement.  Just  come  here 
and  I  will  show  you." 

The  Hatter  led  Alice  to  a  nearby  lamp- 
post, and  pointing  to  a  little  box  fastened 
to  the  middle  of  the  pillar  explained  to 
her  that  that  was  the  Municipaphone. 

'*We  have  them  in  everv  room  in 


THE  MUNICIPAPHONE         77 

every  house  in  the  City,  on  all  the  lamp- 
posts, hydrants,  telegraph  poles,  in  fact 
everywhere  where  there  is  a  chance  or 
room  enough  to  hang  one,"  the  Hatter 
explained. 

''It's  just  like  a  telephone,  isn't  it?" 
said  Alice.  ''Only  it  looks  like  a  hat 
instead   of   a  funnel." 

"Exactly,"  said  the  Hatter,  "but  we 
don't  call  it  a  telephone  any  more.  The 
word  telephone  struck  me  as  being  a 
misnomer.  You  don't  tell  the  'phone 
anything  when  you  talk  into  it.  You 
tell  the  person  at  the  other  end  of  the  line, 
and  so,  I  changed  its  name  to  the  Muni- 
cipaphone,  which  shows  that  it's  a  'phone 
that  belongs  to  the  City.  Just  to  sort  of 
moralise  the  thing  I  had  the  mouth-piece 
changed  to  look  like  a  hat  instead  of  a 
funnel,  because  funnels  are  apt  to  suggest 
alcoholic  beverages  and  sometimes  people 
who  aren't  at  all  thirsty  are  made  so  by 
the  mere  power  of  suggestion.  The  hat, 
however,   has  always  commended  itself 


78      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

to  our  greatest  statesmen  as  a  vehicle 
best  suited  for  the  transmission  of  ideas, 
and  I  therefore  adopted  it." 

"  It  is  very  pretty,"  commented  Alice. 
"Only  I  think  a  few  ribbons  would 
improve  it  a  little." 

"Possibly,"  said  the  Hatter.  "We 
haven't  had  time  yet  to  look  after  the 
millinery  aspect  of  the  situation,  but 
we'll  take  that  up  at  our  next  Cabinet 
meeting.  I  thank  you  for  the  suggestion. 
But  you  see  how  the  thing  works.  This 
little  book  here  has  a  list  of  the  names  of 
everybody  in  town  with  their  Municipa- 
phone  numbers  attached.  The  lowly  as 
well  as  the  highly,  from  the  newsboy  up 
to  the  Bridge  Whist  set,  are  all  repre- 
sented here,  so  that  all  are  connected  in 
one  way  or  another  with  each  other. 
There  is  no  man,  woman,  or  child  so  poor 
and  humble  of  birth,  that  he  or  she  cannot 
get  into  immediate  relations  with  the 
haughty  and  proud.  Everybody  is  on 
speaking  terms  with  everybody  else,  and 


THE  MUNICIPAPHONE         79 

we  have  thereby  reached  socially  a  con- 
dition wherein  all  men  though  not  re- 
lated are  nevertheless  connected.  You 
frequently  hear  a  wash-lady  remark  that 
while  she  has  not  met  Mrs.  Van  Varick 
Van  Astorbilt  or  Mrs.  Willieboy  de  Crud- 
oil  personally,  they  are  nevertheless 
connections  of  hers  if  not  by  blood  or 
marriage  at  least  by  wire,  which  is 
stronger  than  either.  Some  day  instead 
of  having  Societies  of  the  Cincinnati,  and 
Sons  and  Daughters  of  the  Revolution  I 
hope  to  see  associations  of  Brothers  and 
Sisters  of  the  Municipaphone  which  shall 
become  a  factor  of  overwhelming  solidar- 
ity in  all  social  and  political  affairs." 

"  It's  a  splendid  scheme,"  said  Alice. 

'*  It  is  a  tie  of  material  strength  which 
binds  together  our  first  and  last  families, 
increasing  the  pride  of  the  latter,  and 
diminishing  that  of  the  former  until  we 
have  at  last  reached  an  average  of  self, 
satisfaction  which  knows  no  barriers  of 
class  distinction, ' '  said  the  Hatter.     ''But 


8o      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

it  wouldn't  have  worked  if  we  hadn't 
formulated  strict  rules  by  which  every 
household  in  town  is  governed.  One 
of  our  rules  is  that  the  person  called  upon 
must  answer  immediately  and  truthfully 
any  question  which  the  person  at  the 
other  end  asks,  and  of  course  in  perfectly 
polite  language.  For  instance,  suppose 
you  try  it  yourself.  Just  ring  up  Number 
831 15,  Bloomingdale,  and  ask  for  Mrs. 
S.  Van  Livingston  Smythe.  She's  the 
biggest  swell  in  town.  Ask  her  anything 
that  comes  into  your  head,  and  you'll 
see  how  it  works.  Tell  her  you  are  Mrs. 
O' Flaherty,  the  Head  Wash-Lady  of  the 
Municipal    Laundry." 

Alice  took  her  place  at  the  Municipa- 
phone  and  called  831 15  Bloomingdale,  as 
instructed. 

"Hello!  "she  said. 

"Hush!  Don't  say  that — say  Ah 
there!"  interrupted  the  Hatter.  "Hello 
comes  under  the  head  of  profanity,  which 
is  against  the  law." 


THE  MUNICIPAPHONE         8i 

''Excuse  me,"  said  Alice.  ''Ah 
there!"  she  added.  "Give  me  83115 
Bloomingdale,  please,  Central." 

"Name,  please,"  said  Central. 

"Bridget  O'Flaherty,"  replied  Alice 

"Address?"  asked  Central. 

"Tub  37,  Municipal  Laundry,"  said 
Alice. 

"  Occupation? "  continued  the  other. 

"Wringer,"  laughed  Alice. 

"All  right,  there  you  are,"  said 
Central,  making  the  desired  connection. 

"Is  this  Mrs.  S.  Van  Livingston 
Smythe?"  asked  Alice. 

"Yes,"  said  a  sweet  voice  from  the 
other  end  of  the  line.     "  What  is  it  ? " 

"I  am  Bridget  O'Flaherty,"  said 
Alice,  "of  the  Municipal  Laundry, 
and  I  wanted  to  ask  was  your  grand- 
father ever   a  monkey?" 

It  was  not  a  very  polite  question,  but 
under  the  excitement  of  the  moment 
Alice  could  think  of  nothing  better  to 
ask. 


82      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

''  I  don't  believe  so,  Mrs.  O'Flaherty,*' 
came  the  sweet  voice  in  answer.  "  I 
have  looked  over  every  branch  of  our 
family  tree  and  there  isn't  a  cocoanut  on 
it.  Why,  are  you  looking  for  a  missing 
grandfather    of    your    own?" 

''No,"  smiled  Alice,  ''but  I've  read 
all  the  books  in  the  public  library  and  I 
thought  he  might  have  a  tail  to  tell  that 
I  would  find  amusing." 

"Well,  I'm  very  sorry,"  said  the 
sweet  voice.  "Grandfather  died  forty 
years  ago,  so  I  don't  believe  he  can  help 
you.  I  would  advise  you  to  go  up  to  the 
Monkeyhouse  and  ask  one  of  your  own 
brothers.     Good-bye. ' ' 

"Good-bye,"  said  Alice. 

"  Well? "  asked  the  Hatter  with  a  grin. 
"  What  do  you  think  of  it  ? " 

"  Why — it's  perfectly  wonderful,"  said 
Alice.  "  If  that  were  to  happen  in  New 
York  or  even  in  Brooklyn  or  Binghamton 
Mrs.  S.  Van  Livingston  Smythe  would 
have  been  very  indignant,  not  only  over 


THE  MUNICIPAPHONE         83 

the  question,  but  for  the  mere  fact  that 
the— er— wash-lady   dared   ring   her   up 

at  all." 

^'Exactly,"  said  the  Hatter,  with  a 
bland  smile  of  satisfaction.  "  This  Muni- 
cipaphone  controlled  by  strict  rules  which 
people  must  obey  is  a  great  social  leveller. 

''  But  why  did  Central  want  my  name 
and  address?"  asked  Alice. 

''  Because  Central  has  to  keep  a  record 
of  all  that  everybody  says  for  the  Inspec- 
tor of  Personal  Communications,"  ex- 
plained the  Hatter.  "Every  word  you 
and  Mrs.  Smythe  spoke  was  recorded 
at  the  Central  Office,  and  if  either  of  you 
had  used  any  expression  stronger  than 
Fudge,  or  O  Tutt  you  would  have  been 
fined  five  dollars  for  each  expression  and 
repetition  thereof.  We  expect  to  estab- 
lish Civic  Control  of  Public  and  Private 
Speech  within  the  next  year,  and  we  have 
begun  it  with  supervision  of  the  Muni- 
cipaphone." 

"But,    cried   Alice,    "If   I   had   said 


84      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 


something  that  required  a  fine,  wouldn't 

Mrs.      O' Flaherty,     who     is      innocent, 

have  had  to  pay?" 

''  Yes,"  said  the  Hatter.     "  But  in  all 

cases  where  the  public  welfare  is  con- 

c  e  r  n  e  d, 
private  in- 
terests must 
yield  how- 
ever great 
the  hard- 
ship. That 
is  one  of  the 
fundamen- 
tal princi- 
p  1  e  s     of 


"fined  five  dollars" 


Municipal 
Ownership.  Mrs.  O'Flaherty  would  have 
to  suffer  in  order  that  the  great  prin- 
ciple involved  in  Polite  Speech  for  all 
Classes  might  prevail.  The  strict  en- 
forcement of  our  ant i- Gosh  legislation 
has  resulted  almost  in  the  complete 
elimination  of  profane  speech  in  Blunder- 


THE  MUNICIPAPHONE         85 


land — so  much  so  in  fact  that  in 
the  new  Dictionary  we  are  compiUng 
such  words  as  Golramit,  Dodgastit,  and 
Goshallhemlocks  are  being  left  out  alto- 
gether." 

"It  is  a  great  moral  agency,"  said 
the  White  Knight.  "It  increases  the 
self-respect  of  the  submerged,  curbs  the 
pride  of  the  rich,  and  holds  in  complete 
subjection  those  evil  communications 
which  corrupt  good  manners." 

"And  nothing  but  the 
result  of  Municipal  Owner- 
ship,"   put    in    the   March 
Hare    enthusi- 
astically,    for- 
getting   his 
grouch  for  a 
moment. 

"It  has 
other  advan- 
tages, too," 
said  the  Hatter, 

tOWnlCn       i  " THE  DICTIONARY  WE  ARE  COMPILING 


86      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 


ALICE  TRANSFIXED   AT  THE   PHONE 


feel    I  should  call 
your  attention. 
These  phones  be- 
ing in  every  room 
in    town 
with  which 
anybod  y 
may  be  con- 
nected  at 
any     mo- 
ment   and 
thus     over- 
hear    what 
other    peo- 


ple are  say- 
ing, gossip  is  gradually  dying  out,  and 
people  everywhere  are  more  careful  of 
what  they  say  even  in  private,  for  now- 
adays the  walls  literally  have  ears.  To 
give  you  an  example,  I  will  connect  you 
at  once  with  the  home  of  the  Duchess 
whom  you  met,  if  you  remember,  in 
your  journey  through  Wonderland  and 
you  may  judge  for  yourself  of  how  useful 


THE  MUNICIPAPHONE         87 

this  Municipaphone  is  to  us  in  ascertain- 
ing the  general  trend  of  pubhc  opinion." 
The  Hatter  gave  the  order  to  Central 
and  in  a  minute  Alice  stood  transfixed 
at  the  phone  listening  intently.  She 
recognised  the  voice  of  the  Duchess 
immediately. 


"  THE  BIGGEST  JACKASS    FROM  DAN   TO  BEERSHEBA  '* 

''As  for  that  old  fool  of  a  Hatter," 
she  was  saying,  "he  is  the  biggest  jack- 
ass from  Dan  to  Beersheba." 

"  Well? "  said  the  Hatter.  "  Can  you 
hear  her?" 

"  Yes,"  giggled  Alice.   "  Very  plainly." 

"What  does  she  say?"  asked  the 
Hatter,  simpering. 


^S      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

''Why,"  said  Alice  reddening,  "she — 
she's  talking  about  you." 

''The  dear  Duchess,"  ejaculated  the 
Hatter,  with  a  foolish  smirk.  "I'm  very 
much  afraid — ahem — that  the  Duchess 
has  her  eye  on  me." 

"  She  has,"  said  Alice.  "  She  is  refer- 
ring to  you  in  the  warmest  tones — she 
thinks  you're  big — ^great — the  very  great- 
est from  Dan  to  Beersheba." 

"Ah  me!"  sighed  the  Hatter.  "If  I 
were  only  a  younger  man!  " 

"They'll  make  a  match  of  it  yet," 
said  the  White  Knight  in  a  soft  whisper 
to  Alice. 

"Yes,"  sneered  the  March  Hare,  who 
had  overheard,  jealously,  "  and  a  fine 
old  sulphur-headed  lucifer  of  a  match 
it  will  be  too." 

"Well,  it's  all  very  nice,"  said  Alice, 
very  anxious  to  change  the  subject. 
"But  I  can't  say  that  I'm  sure  I'd  like 
it.  Why,  you  can't  have  any  secrets 
from  anybody." 


THE  MUNICIPAPHONE  89 

''And  why  should  you  wish  to,  my 
dear  child?"  asked  the  Hatter,  coming 
out  of  his  dream  of  romance.  ''Why 
not  so  order  your  life  that  you  have  no 
need  for  secrecy?" 

"Yes,"  said  Alice.  "I  suppose  that 
is  better,  but  then,  Mr.  Hatter,  isn't 
there  to  be  any  more  private  life  ? " 

"Not  under  Municipal  Ownership," 
said  the  Hatter.  "Carried  to  its  logical 
conclusion  that  with  all  other  so-called 
private  rights  will  be  merged  in  the 
glorious  culmination  of  a  complete  well 
rounded  Municipal  Life.  It  is  toward 
that  Grand  Civic  Eventuation  that  I 
and  my  associates  in  this  noble  move- 
ment are  constantly  striving. ' ' 

"Are  you  going  to  have  Municipal 
Control  of  Marriage? "  asked  Alice,  slyly. 

The  Hatter  blushed  and  smiled  fool- 
ishly. "  I — ah — am  thinking  about  that, ' ' 
he  said  with  a  funny  little  laugh.  "  It  would 
be  a  most  excellent  thing  to  do,  for  in  my 
opinion  a  great  many  people  nowadays 


90      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

get  married  too  thoughtlessly.  Just  be- 
cause they  happen  to  love  each  other 
they  go  off  and  get  married,  but  under 
Municipal  Control  it  would  be  much 
more  difficult  for  a  man  or  a  woman  to 
take  so  serious  a  step.  For  instance, 
if  I  had  my  way  the  Common  Council 
would  have  to  be  asked  for  permission 
for  a  man  to  marry.  The  question  would 
come  up  in  the  form  of  a  bill,  which  would 
immediately  be  referred  to  the  Committee 
on  Matrimony,  who  would  discuss  it  very 
thoroughly  before  bringing  it  before  the 
Council.  If  a  majority  of  the  Committee 
considered  that  the  application  should 
be  granted,  then  the  matter  should  be 
placed  before  the  whole  Council,  by  which 
it  should  be  debated  in  open  public  ses- 
sions, the  applicant  having  been  invited 
to  appear  and  under  cross-examination 
by  the  District  Attorney  demonstrate 
his  fitness  to  be  married.  All  others 
knowing  any  reason  why  he  should  not 
be  married  should  also  have  the  oppor- 


THE  MUNICIPAPHONE         91 

tunity  to  appear  and  state  their  reasons 
for  opposing  the  granting  of  the  apph- 
cation.  I  am  inchned  to  beUeve  that 
this  would  put  a  stop  to  these  hasty 
marriages  which  have  given  rise  to  that 
beautiful  proverb,  Married  in  Camden, 
Repent  at  South  Dakota." 

''  I  should  think  it  would,"  said  Alice. 
''And  when  do  you  propose  to  start  this 
plan  along?" 

"Well,  you  see,"  said  the  Hatter  with 
a  giggle,  ''  before  I  take  final  steps  in  the 
matter  I  wish  to  have  a  few  words  with — 
er — ^well — you  know  who — I " 

"The  Duchess,  "  Alice  ventured. 

''  Ah,  you  precocious  child!  "  cried  the 
Hatter,  tapping  Alice  on  the  shoulder 
coyly.  **You  must  not  believe  all  you 
overhear  the  Duchess  say  about  me.  She 
is  so  prejudiced,  and  blind  to  my  faults. 
I — I'm  almost  sorry  I  connected  you 
with  her  over  the  Municipaphone." 


CHAPTER  VI 

THE  DEPARTMENT  OF  PUBLIC  VERSE 

I  THINK,"  said  the  Hatter,  "that  be- 
fore we  go  any  further  we  would 
better  show  Miss  Ahce  our  Municipal 
Poetry  Factory.  The  whistle  will  blow 
very  shortly  and  our  Divine  Afflatus 
Dynamo  will  shut  down,  so  if  she  is  to 
see  that  feature  of  our  work  now  is  the 
time  to  do  it." 

''Yes,"  said  the  March  Hare,  ''al- 
though the  office  is  in  some  confusion 
owing  to  your  recent  Municipal  Order 
Number  20,367  making  Alabazam  rhyme 
with  Mulligatawney ,  and  extending  the 
number  of  lines  in  the  municipal  quat- 
rains from  four  to  twenty-three.  The 
employees  are  finding  considerable  diffi- 
culty in  making  twenty- three-line  quat- 
rains and  at  least  half  the    force    have 


PUBLIC  VERSE  93 

gone  home  suffering  from  acute  attacks 
of  brainstormitis." 

"It'll  do  'em  good,"  laughed  the 
Hatter.  ''  A  good  brain  storm  may  result 
in  a  few  of  them  being  struck.  Come 
along,  Miss  Alice,  and  we'll  show  you  our 
City  Poets  at  work." 

''I  don't  think  I  understand,"  said 
Alice.     "What  is  a  city  poet?" 

"  He  bears  the  same  relation  to  Muni- 
cipal Poetry  that  a  White  Wing  bears  to 
the  Street  Cleaning  Department,"  ex- 
plained the  Hatter.  "Two  years  ago 
the  City  took  over  all  the  Verse-making 
enterprises  of  Blunderland,  appointed  a 
Municipalaureat,  otherwise  a  Commis- 
sioner of  Public  Verse,  and  started  him 
along  with  a  Department.  He  employs 
16,743  poets  who  provide  all  the  poetry 
that  is  consumed  by  our  people.  It  has 
resulted  in  great  good  for  everybody. 
Poetry  is  cheaper  by  eight  cents  a  line 
than  it  used  to  be,  and,  as  you  may  have 
guessed  from  what  the  March  Hare  has 


94      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 


just  said,  we  give  larger  measure  than 
was  the  custom  under  the  private  owner- 
ship of  Pegasus.  Quatrains  have  been 
increased  from  four  hnes  to  twenty- three, 
and  the  old  stingy  fourteen-line  sonnet 
has  been  enlarged  to  fifty-four  lines.     We 

have  also  passed  an 
ordinance  requiring 
that  poems  shall  say 
what  they  mean, 
which  is  a  vast  im- 
provement on  the  old 
private  control  meth- 
od whereunder  any- 
body was  allowed  to 
write  rhymes  which 
nobody  could  under- 
stand — like  that 
thing  of  Miss  Arethusa  Spink's,  for 
instance,  called  Aspiration.  Remember 
that?" 

"I  don't  think  I  ever  heard  it,"  said 
AUce. 

''Well   it  went   this   way,"   said   the 


LARGER  MEASURE  THAN    WAS 
THE    custom" 


PUBLIC  VERSE  95 

Hatter,  and  striking  a  graceful  attitude 
he  recited  the  following  lines  called : 

ASPIRATION 

By  Arethusa  Spink 

Down  by  the  purple  opalescent  sea, 

Flung  like  a  ribbon  limp   athwart  the  sky, 

A  rose  lay   blooming   on  the   restless  lea, 

While  sundry  birds  came  chattering  sweetly  by. 

'Twas  then  my  soul  that  all  too  long  had  slept, 
Awoke  from  out  its  iridescent  nap, 

[crept 
Down  where  the  pink-cheeked  crocus  blossoms 

From  out  fair  Nature's  over-bounteous  lap. 
And  cried  aloud  "Alas!     What  hath  betode? 

What  dream  is  this  that  like  the  ambient  brook 
Forbids  the  mind  to  face  the  solemn  goad 
And  know  itself  forsook! 

The  Hatter  paused. 

''Well?"  said  Alice,  slightly  puzzled. 

"That's  all  there  was  to  it,"  said  the 
Hatter.  "  It  was  printed  in  one  of  our 
Magazines  and  within  forty-eight  hours 
the  ambulance  from  the  Insane  Asylum 


96      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

was  called  out  737  times  by  people  who 
had  gone  crazy  trying  to  find  out  what 
it  meant.  It  capped  the  climax.  I 
called  a  special  meeting  of  the  Common 
Council  to  take  the  matter  up  purely  as 
a  matter  of  public  health,  and  before  I 
went  to  bed  that  night  they  had  passed 
and  I  had  signed  an  i\ct  giving  the  con- 
trol of  the  Verse  Industry  to  the  City 
and  taking  it  out  of  the  hands  of  irre- 
sponsible, unlicensed  independent  poets.'* 

"And  a  good  job  it  was  too,"  said 
the  March  Hare. 

''  And  you  chose  one  of  the  best  poets 
in  town  for  the  Commissioner,  I  suppose?" 
suggested  Alice. 

"  No  we  didn't,"  said  the  Hatter.  "  I 
didn't  want  any  Moonshine  in  a  City 
Department  and  no  poet  is  a  good  busi- 
ness man.  I  picked  out  a  very  suc- 
cessful Haberdasher  in  the  Sixth  Ward 
for  the  delicate  business  of  organising  the 
Department,  and  he  has  done  most  excel- 
lent work.     We  found  that  just  as  a  first 


PUBLIC  VERSE  97 

class  confectioner  made  a  splendid  mana- 
ger of  our  Gas  plant,  and  a  successful 
Hoki-Poki  merchant  had  the  required 
push  to  keep  our  trolley  systems  going, 
so  the  Haberdasher  had  the  precise  kind 
of  genius  to  manage  the  poets.  He  won't 
stand  any  nonsense  from  them,  and  any 
poem  that  he  can't  understand  is  imme- 
diately thrown  into  the  Civic  Waste- 
Basket,  taken  to  the  Municipal  Ferry 
and  used  for  fuel  to  run  the  boats.  I 
guess  we  bum  nineteen  tons  of  refuse 
verse  a  day,  don't  we,  Alderman?" 

"About  that — on  the  average,  "said 
the  March  Hare.  ''Sometimes  it  gets 
as  high  as  twenty  tons  and  occasionally 
it  falls  off  to  sixteen — but  using  these 
rejected  manuscripts  in  place  of  coal  has 
reduced  the  loss  on  the  Ferry  about 
thirty-eight  dollars  a  year  in  real  money." 

''  How  much  is  that  in  bonds? "  asked 
Alice  slyly. 

''O — let's  see,"  said  the  Hatter,  his 
face  getting  very  red,   ''well — I  should 


98      ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

say  on  a  basis  of  43 4%  to  one,  thirty- 
eight  dollars  would  come  to  about 
$97,347.83  in  third  debenture  ten  per 
cent,  certificates,  exclusive  of  the  cost  of 
printing,  advertising,  and  the  number 
we  give  away  as  sample  copies." 

"Quite  a  saving,"  said  Alice. 

"Yes,"  said  the  Hatter.  "We  save 
all  we  can.  Economy  in  real  money  is 
our  watchword.  We  never  spend  a  cent 
where  a  bond  will  serve  the  purpose." 

By  this  time  Alice  and  her  hosts  had 
reached  the  building  occupied  by  the 
Department  of  Public  Verse,  and  upon 
entering  its  spacious  doorway  the  party 
were  greeted  by  the  Commissioner,  the 
Haberdasher,  to  whom  Alice  w^as  prompt- 
ly introduced.  He  reminded  her  very 
forcibly  of  her  old  acquaintance  Bill  the 
Lizard,  but  she  was  not  sure  enough  on 
this  point  to  recall  their  previous  meeting 
when  she  had  so  tactlessly  kicked  him 
up  through  the  chimney  flue  of  the 
Wonderland  Cottage. 


PUBLIC  VERSE  99 

"Well,  Mr.  Commissioner,"  said  the 
Hatter,  "how  are  you  getting  along?" 

''  Pretty  well,  Mr.  Mayor,"  replied  the 
Commissioner.     ''We've  just  finished  the 

IPUgUC 


"  GREETED  BY  THE  COMMISSIONER,  THE  HABERDASHER" 

six  line  couplet  for  the  new  Chewing  Gum 
Bonds." 

*'Good,"    said   the    Hatter.      "How 
does  it  go?" 


loo  ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 


''Rather  neatly  I  think,"  said  the 
Commissioner,  and  he  read  the  following : 

We  promise  to  pay 

This  bond  some  day 

If  of  the  stuff 

We've  got  enough. 
And  if  we  haven't,  pray  don't  despond, 
For  we'll  pay  it  off  with  another  bond. 

"Fine,"  said  the  Hatter.  "You 
strike  a  very  lofty  note  in  that.  And 
how  do  the  new  Limericks  work?" 

"  We've  finished  number  3907  of  series 
XZV,"  said  the  Commissioner.  "I'll 
send  for  Wiggins  who  wrote  it  and  let 

him  read  it  to  you 
himself." 

A  pressure  of 
an  electric  button 
brought  the  smil- 
ing Wiggins  into 
the  oiTfice. 

"Wiggins,  the 
Mayor  would  like 


IT  RUNS  THIS  WAY,  YOUR  HONOUR 


PUBLIC  VERSE  loi 

to  hear  that  new   Limerick   of   yours," 
said  the  Commissioner. 

"Thanky  sir,"  said  Wiggins.  ''It 
runs  this  way,   your  honour. 

There  was  an  old  lady  named  Jane 

Who  sat  on  a  fence  at  Schoharie. 

A  rooster  came  by 

And  crew  like  the  deuce 

But  """ane  never  scared  for  a  cent. 

"That's  great,"  said  the  Hatter. 
"  Don't  you  think  so.  Miss  Alice? " 

''Why  yes,"  said  AHce,  "but— does  it 
rhyme?" 

"  Perfectly,"  repUed  the  Hatter,  "  that 
is,  under  our  system.  When  we  organ- 
ised this  Department  to  facilitate  busi- 
ness and  avoid  the  waste  of  time  looking 
for  rhymes  we  legalised  such  rhymes  as 
Schoharie  and  cent  and  by  and  deuce. 
By  that  act  we  found  that  where  one  man 
could  only  turn  out  800  Limericks  a  day 
under  the  old  system,  any  ablebodied- 
poet  can  write  3,000  in  the  same  number 


I02    ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

of  hours.  That's  very  good,  Wiggins," 
he  added  turning  to  the  workman.  ''I 
shall  recommend  the  Commissioner  to 
promote  you  to  an  Inspectorship  in  the 
Sonnet  works." 

''Thanky  sir,"  said  the  Poet,  as  he 
blushingly  bowed  himself  out. 

"Here,"  said 
the  Commissioner, 
opening  a  door 
leading  into  a  long, 
darkened  chamber, 
''  here,  young  lady, 
is  our  Thinking 
Department." 
Alice  passed  into  the  darkness  and 
dimly  made  out  a  half  a  hundred  long- 
haired individuals  sitting  in  comfortable 
Morris  chairs,  their  forefingers  pressed 
hard  against  their  brows  and  their  eyes 
gazing  fixedly  out  into  space. 

''  These  men  and  women  think  the 
thoughts  which  our  municipal  poetry  is 
designed  to  express,"  the  Commissioner 


'  OUR  THINKING  DEPARTMENT 


PUBLIC  VERSE  103 

continued.  ''A  thought  once  seized  by  any- 
one of  them  is  written  down  upon  a  pad, 
and  then  taken  into  this  next  room 
where  it  is  classified  and  assigned  to  the 
line  cutters  who  turn  out  the  first  draft  in 
the  rough.  Then  when  this  is  done  it  is 
sent  to  the  rhyming  room  where  the  lines 
are  made  to  end  in  rhymes,  and  finally 
it  goes  to  the  Polishing  room  where  the 
poem  is  made  ready  for  publication. ' ' 

''It's  a  wonderful  system,"  said  the 
Hatter.  ''  It  not  only  improves  the 
quality  of  our  poetry,  but  in  campaign 
times  it  is  a  great  help,  since  we  control 
absolutely  all  the  campaign  poetry. 
When  I  run  for  mayor  next  fall  to  succeed 
myself  there  won't  be  a  single  poem 
written  on  the  other  side." 

"That  ought  to  be  a  great  help," 
said  Alice. 

''Yes,"  said  the  Hatter.  "It  will  be. 
Every  employee  in  this  Department  will 
not  only  vote  for  me  but  will  work  for 
me  as  well.     Same  way  in  the  gas  plant 


I04    ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

and  the  trolley — in  fact  in  all  the  City 
Departments.  It  is  only  another  evi- 
dence of  the  very  great  value  of  Municipal 
Ownership.  It  is  uncertainty  in  political 
times  that  upsets  business,  but  with  the 
Municipality  in  control  of  all  these  De- 
partments from  Gas  to  Poetry  there  is 
no  uncertainty  about  who  will  win,  so 
that  business  is  not  unsettled  by  it. ' ' 

"Wonderful,"  said  Alice. 

"By  the  way,  Mr.  Commissioner, 
you'd  better  start  the  Rhyming  Bureau 
on  the  search  for  rhymes  to  Hatter  at 
once,"  said  the  Mayor.  "  We  don't  want 
to  be  caught  unprepared  at  the  last 
minute." 

"The  list  is  being  compiled  now," 
replied  the  Commissioner.  "We  already 
have,  Matter,  Batter,  Tatter,  Smatter 
Patter,  Ratter,  Spatter  and  Scatter." 

"  Fine!  "  chortled  the  Hatter. 

"Don't  forget  Chatter,"  put  in  Alice. 

"Thank  you — I'll  make  a  note  of  it," 
said  the  Commissioner. 


PUBLIC  VERSE  105 

"And  Snatter,"  growled  the  March 
Hare  gloomily,  who  evidently  felt  that 
somebody  ought  to  be  looking  for 
^rhymes  to  March  Hare  as  well. 

"What  does  snatter  mean?'*  de- 
manded   the    Hatter   frowning. 

"It's  a  corrupt  form  for  snatcher," 
retorted  the  March  Hare.  "  One  who 
snatches  everything  he  can  lay  his  hands 
on,  without  regard  to  whether  it's  his  by 
divine  right  or  not.  I  guess  they  can  use 
it  in  poems  calling  attention  to  your 
Civic  Virtues." 

"  Except  by  unanimous  vote  of  the 
Common  Council  over  my  veto  Snatter 
stays  out  of  the  Municipal  Vocabulary," 
returned  the  Hatter  coldly.  "  Your  own 
confession  that  it  is  corrupt  is  enough  to 
condemn  it  with  me." 

"  I  wouldn't  use  batter  either,  Mr. 
Mayor,"  said  the  Commissioner.  "Bat- 
ter is  dough  and  we  haven't  got  any 
worth  mentioning." 

"It    is   also   to   whack,    slam,    bang, 


io6    ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

bust,  smack,"  retorted  the  Hatter,  "so 
your  recommendation  is  not  accepted. 
Seems  to  me  I  can  almost  hear  the  cam- 
paign clubs  singing  as  they  march : 

O  the  noble,  noble  Hatter, 

Ain't  he  grand! 
How  his  enemies  do  scatter 

Thro  the  land! 
How  his  foemen  he  doth  batter 
With  their  idle  gloomy  chatter 
On  this  Muni — cipal  Matter 

Beats  the  band! 

**  O  Gee! "  ejaculated  the  March  Hare. 
**Do  you  call  that  poetry?" 

"Sir,  I  call  it  truth,"  returned  the 
Hatter,  "  and  poetry  is  truth  just  as  art 
is  truth,  and  if  you  don't  believe  it  all 
you've  got  to  do  is  to  try  and  run  against 
me  next  fall  on  that  issue.  I'll  beat  you 
to  a  stand-still." 

"Of  course  you  will,"  sighed  the 
March  Hare.  "But  you  wouldn't  but 
for  that  last  ordinance  you  jammed 
through  while  I  was  off  on  my  vacation." 


PUBLIC  VERSE  107 

"What  was  that?"  demanded  the 
Hatter. 

"  Giving  the  Election  Commission  ab- 
solute control  over  the  votes,  and  then 
appointing  yourself  Election  Commis- 
sioner ex-officio,"  said  the  March  Hare. 
"  I  don't  believe  that  Municipal  Control 
of  the  ballot  is  constitutional." 

"Well,  it  will  be  constitutional,"  said 
the  Hatter  drily. 

''  When? "  demanded  the  March  Hare. 

''When  we  secure  Municipal  Control 
of  the  Constitution,"  said  the  Hatter. 
'Til  make  it  Constitutional  if  I  have  to 
rewrite  the  whole  blessed  Constitution 
myself. ' ' 

Whereupon  the  Hatter  walked  ma- 
jestically forth  into  the  street  once  more, 
and  Alice  and  the  March  Hare  together 
with  the  White  Knight  followed  meekly 
in  his  train. 


CHAPTER   VII 

OWNERSHIP    OF    CHILDREN 

WHAT  time  is  it?"  asked  the  Hat- 
ter, suddenly  turning  to  the 
White  Knight. 

"Six  o'clock,"  replied  the  White 
Knight,  looking  at  his  watch. 

"Mercy!"  cried  Alice.  "I  had  no 
idea  it  was  so  late!  I  shall  have  to  run 
along  home — it's  supper  time." 

The  Hatter  laughed. 

"O,  as  for  that,"  he  said,  "there's 
no  hurry.  Under  our  present  system 
of  Municipal  Ownership  of  Everything, 
I  can  issue,  as  Mayor,  a  general  order 
postponing  the  Municipal  Supper  Hour 
to  seven  or  eight  o'clock.  Still — if  you'd 
prefer  to  go  home " 

"I  don't  want  to,"  said  Alice  cour- 
teously, "but  I  think  I'd  better.  My 
1 08 


OWNERSHIP  OF  CHILDREN  109 

mother  would  be  worried  not  finding 
me  in  the  nursery.  You  see,  I  left  home 
without  telling  anybody  where  I  was 
going." 

Again  the  Hatter  laughed. 

**What  foolishness!"  he  ejaculated. 
"  That's  the  great  trouble  with  the  private 
ownership  of  children.  It  worries  their 
poor  mothers,  keeps  'em  from  their  daily 
Bridge  parties,  interferes  with  that  free- 
dom of  action  which  is  guaranteed  to 
the  individual  by  the  contravention  of 
the  United  States " 

''Constitution,  I  guess  you  mean," 
suggested  Alice. 

''  It  used  to  be  the  Constitution,"  re- 
turned the  Hatter,  ''  but  now  it's  the 
Contravention.  It  has  been  contravened 
so  often  in  the  past  few  years  that  our 
Reformed  Language  Commission  at  Wash- 
ington has  named  it  accordingly." 

"It  simply  bears  out  what  you  said 
in  your  message  approving  the  Public 
Ownership    of    Children  Act    passed   by 


no    ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

the  Common  Council  last  November, 
which  I  wrote  for  you,  and  conse- 
quently consider  a  very  able  document," 
said  the  White  Knight. 

"  The  Public  Ownership  of  Children? " 
cried  Alice,  with  a  look  of  alarm  on  her  face. 

''Yes,"  said  the  Hatter.  *'Just  as 
the  Nation  has  gone  in  for  paternalism, 
we  here  in  Blunderland  have  gone  in  for 
matemalism.  The  children  here  belong 
to  the  city " 

"But— "Alice  began. 

''  Now,  don't  bother,"  said  the  Hatter 
kindly.  *'  It  works  very  well.  It  has 
reduced  children  to  a  state  of  scientific 
control  which  is  as  careful  and  as  effective 
as  that  of  the  street  cleaning  department 
or  the  public  parks,  and  it  has  emanci- 
pated the  mothers  as  well  as  materially 
decreased  the  financial  obligations  of 
the  fathers." 

Alice's  lip  quivered  slightly,  and 
she  began  to  feel  a  little  bit  afraid  of  the 
Hatter. 


OWNERSHIP  OF  CHILDREN  iii 

''  I  want  to  go  home,"  she  whimpered. 

''Certainly — as  you  wish,"  said  the 
Hatter.  "We'll  take  you  there  at  once. 
Come  along." 

Reassured  by  the  Hatter's  kindly 
manner  Alice  took  her  companion's  out- 
stretched hand  and  they  walked  along  the 
highway  together  until  they  came  to  a 
handsome  apartment  house  fronting  upon 
a  beautiful  park,  where  the  Hatter 
pressed  an  electric  button  at  one  side 
of  the  massive  entrance.  The  response 
to  the  bell  was  immediate,  and  Alice 
was  pleased  to  find  that  the  person  to 
answer  was  none  other  than  the  Duchess 
herself. 

"Why,  how-di-doo,"  said  the  Duchess 
affably.  "  Glad  to  see  you  again,  Miss 
Alice." 

"Thank  you,"  said  Alice.  "It  is 
very  nice  to  be  here.  Do  you  live  in 
this  beautiful  building?" 

"Yes,"  said  the  Duchess.  "You  see, 
I've  just  been  appointed  Commissioner 


112    ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

of  Maternity.  I'm  what  you  might  call 
the  official  mother  of  the  town.  Since 
that  great  Statesman,  the  Hatter" — here 
the  Duchess  winked  graciously  at  the 
March  Hare — "devised  his  crowning 
achievement  in  the  Municipal  Control 
of  the  Children  and  appointed  me  to  be 
the  Head  of  the  Department,  I  have  been 
stationed  here." 

''And  a  mighty  good  old  mother 
she  is!"  ejaculated  the  Hatter  with 
fervour. 

"Palaverer!"  said  the  Duchess  coyly. 

''Not  at  all,"  said  the  Hatter.  "I 
speak  not  as  a  man,  but  as  a  Mayor,  and 
what  I  say  is>  to  be  construed  as  an  official 
tribute  to  a  faithful  and  deserving  public 
servant." 

"Servant,  sir?"  repeated  the  Duchess 
haughtily. 

"  In  the  American  sense,"  said  the 
Hatter  w^ith  a  low  bow.  "  In  the  sense 
that  the  servant  is  as  good  as,  if  not  better 
than  the  employer,  Madam." 


OWNERSHIP  OF  CHILDREN  113 

''That  man's  a  perfect  Dipsomaniac," 
said  the  March  Hare. 

''Diplomat,  man — diplomat,"  cor- 
rected the  White  Knight.  "A  dipso- 
maniac is  a  very  different  thing  from  a 
D  iplomat .  Consuls  may  be  dipsomaniacs , 
but  a  Diplomat  is  a  man  worthy  of  Am- 
bassadorial honours." 

"Oh — I  see,"  said  the  March  Hare. 
"Well— he's  a  Diplomat  all  right,  all 
right." 

"  How  are  things  going  to-day. 
Duchess? "  asked  the  Hatter.  "  Children 
happy?" 

"They  will  be  in  time,"  said  the 
Duchess.  "  So  many  of  them  have  been 
brought  up  so  far  on  the  Ladies'  Home 
Journal  system  that  it  is  hard  to  intro- 
duce the  new  Blunderland  method  with- 
out friction." 

"I  was  afraid  of  that,"  said  the 
Hatter.  "  How  does  the  compulsory 
soda-water  regulation  work?" 

"Splendidly,"      said     the     Duchess. 


114    ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

**  Since  I  started  in  in  January  to  make 
the  children  drink  five  glasses  of  Vanilla 
Cream  soda  every  day  as  a  matter  of 
routine  and  duty,  sixty  per  cent,  of  them 
have  come  to  hate  it.  I  think  that  by 
the  end  of  the  year  we  shall  have  stamped 
out  the  love  of  soda  almost  entirely.  The 
same  way  with  caramels  and  other  can- 
dies in  place  of  beef.  We  have  caramels 
for  breakfast,  gum-drops  for  dinner  and 
marshmallows  for  tea,  regularly,  and 
last  night  seventeen  of  the  children 
presented  a  petition  asking  for  beef- 
steak, mutton  chops  and  boiled  rice.  I 
have  a  firm  conviction  that  when  the 
new  law,  requiring  beef  to  be  sold  at  candy 
stores,  and  compelling  those  in  charge  of 
the  young  to  teach  them  that  boiled 
rice  and  hominy  are  bad  for  the  teeth, 
goes  into  effect,  we  shall  find  the  children 
clamouring  for  wholesome  food  as  eagerly 
as  they  do  now  for  things  that  ruin  their 
little  tummies." 

"  It's    a    splendid    S3^stem — and    how 


OWNERSHIP  OF  CHILDREN  115 

are  you  meeting  the  matinee  problem?" 
asked  the  March  Hare. 

"Same     way,"     said     the     Duchess. 
''Every  Wednesday  and  Saturday  after- 
noon we  make  'em  go  to  a  matinee,  rain 
or  shine,  whether  they  want  to  or  not, 
and  really  it's  pathetic  to  see  how  some 
of  the  little  dears  pine  for  a  half-holiday 
with  a  hoople,   and  since  I  forbade  the 
youngsters  to  even  look  at  the  back  of 
a  geography,    or   a  spelling  book,    it   is 
most    amusing    to  see    how    they    sneak 
into  the  library  and  devour  the  contents 
of   those    tw^o   books   when    they   think 
nobody's  looking.     I  caught  one  of  the 
boys  reading  an  Arithmetic  in  bed  last 
night,  wholly  neglecting  his   Jack  Hark- 
away  books  that  I  had  commanded  him 
to    read,     and    leaving     his    'Bim,    the 
Broncho    Buster    of  Buffalo,'  absolutely 
uncut." 

"  Fine !  "  chuckled  the  Hatter.  "  And 
now,  my  dear  Duchess,  will  you  oblige 
me  by  taking  charge  of  Miss  Alice?  She 


ii6    ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

has  expressed  a  desire  to  go  home  and  so 
I  have  brought  her  here." 

"  Certainly,"  said  the  Duchess.  "  I'll 
look  after  her." 

**  You'll  excuse  us,   Alice,"   said  the 


"when  they  think  nobody's  looking 


Hatter,  politely.  ''We'd  escort  you  fur- 
ther ourselves,  but  a  question  has  come 
before  the  Municipal  Ownership  Caucus 
that  we  must  settle  before  the  meeting 
of  the  Common  Council  to-night.  Cer- 
tain  of   our   members    claim   that   they 


OWNERSHIP  OF  CHILDREN  117 

have  a  right  to  sell  their  votes  for 
$500  apiece " 

"Mercy!"  cried  Alice.  "Why,  that 
is — that  is  terrible." 

"  It  certainly  is,"  said  the  March  Hare 
ruefully.  "It's  more  than  terrible,  it's 
rotten.  Here  I've  been  holding  out  for 
$1,250  for  mine,  and  these  duffers  want 
to  go  in  for  a  cut  rate  that  will  absolutely 
ruin  the  business." 

"It's  a  very  important  matter,"  said 
the  Hatter.  "After  all  our  striving  to 
elevate  the  people  we  don't  want  them 
to  make  themselves  too  cheap.  For  my 
part  I  don't  think  they  should  let  go  of  a 
vote  on  any  question  for  less  than  $2,500." 

"That's  all  right,  Mr.  Mayor,"  said 
the  White  Knight.  "But  you  don't 
want  to  frighten  capital,  you  know." 

"  Well,  you  and  I  disagree  on  that 
point,"  said  the  Mayor.  "Capital  isn't 
at  all  necessary  to  the  success  of  our 
schemes.  My  watchword  is  Bonds,  and 
as  long  as  I  have  a  printing  press  to  print 


ii8    ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

'em,  and  a  fountain  pen  to  sign  'em  I'm 
not  going  to  be  influenced  one  way  or 
another  by  a  feeling  of  subserviency  to 
the  capitaUst  class.  Good  night,  Miss 
Alice.  Glad  to  have  met  you  and  I  hope 
you  will  have  a  pleasant  time  with  the 
Duchess.  Here,"  he  added,  taking  a 
beautifully  printed  green  and  gold  paper 
from  his  pocket,  "here  is  a  Blanket 
Mortgage  i8%  Deferred  Debenture  Bond 
on  the  Main  Street  Ferry  of  a  par  value 
of  $100,000  payable  in  3457,  as  a  souvenir 
of  your  visit." 

''A  hundred  thousand  dollars,"  cried 
Alice.     "For  me?" 

'*No,"  corrected  the  Hatter.  "A 
hundred  thousand  dollar  bond.  You 
don't  get  the  money  until  3457,  and  not 
then  unless  you  present  it  in  person  to  the 
City  Treasurer." 

With  which  munificent  gift  the  Hatter 
respectfully  bowed  himself  away  and 
made  off,  followed  by  the  March  Hare. 

"Good-bye,    Alice,"    said   the   White 


OWNERSHIP  OF  CHILDREN  119 


Knight  sympathetically;  and  then 
thrusting  a  paper  in  her  hand,  he  leaned 
forward  and  whispered  into  the  little  girl's 
ear,  ''If  you  get  into  trouble,  use  this." 

"Thank    you,"    said    Alice.     "What 
is  it?" 

"It's  a  temporary  injunction  issued 
by  the  Chief 
Justice  restrain- 
ing anybody 
from  interfering 
with  you,"  said 
the  White 
Knight.  "  You 
may  need  it." 

And    the 
kindly     old 

Knigilt  ran  maQ-      "u-  you  get  into  trouble,  use  this" 

ly  off  up  the 

street  after  the  Mayor  and  the  March 
Hare,  and  shortly  after  disappeared 
around  the  comer. 

"Now,    my    little    dear,"    said    the 
Duchess,  "  we'll  take  you  home." 


I20    ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

Seizing  Alice  by  the  hand  the  Duchess 
led  the  httle  traveller  into  the  Municipal 
Nursery.  Entering  the  elevator,  they 
went  up  and  up  and  up  and  up  until  Alice 
thought  they  would  never  stop.  Finally 
on  the  117th  floor  the  elevator  stopped. 
Alice  and  the  Duchess  alighted  and 
entered  a  funny  little  flat,  singularly 
enough  labelled  with  Alice's  own  name. 

''  This  is  it,"  said  the  Duchess.  "  There 
is  your  bedroom,  here  is  your  parlour, 
and  that  is  the  bath-room.  The  apart- 
ment has  running  soda-water,  hot  and 
cold;  you  will  find  a  refrigerator  stocked 
with  peanut  brittle,  molasses  candy,  and 
sugared  fruits  in  the  pantry.  Your  read- 
ing will  consist  of  Lucy  the  Lace  Vendor, 
or  How  the  Laundress  Became  a  Lady ;  the 
works  of  Marie  Corelli ;  Factory  Fanny,  the 
Forger's  Daughter,  and  any  other  un- 
wholesome book  you  may  want  from 
the  House  of  Correction  Library.  Play- 
time will  begin  at  seven  every  morning 
and  you  will  be  compelled  to  dress  and 


OWNERSHIP  OF  CHILDREN  121 

undress  dolls  until  one,  when  your 
caramel  will  be  given  to  you,  after  which 
you  will  skip  the  rope  and  read  fairy 
stories  until  six.  You  must  drink  five 
glasses  of  soda-water  every  day  and  will 
not  be  allowed  to  go  to  bed  before  eleven 
o'clock  at  night.  Hurry  now,  and  get 
your  hair  mussed  and  your  hands  dirty 
for  dinner.  The  first  course  of  whipped 
cream  and  roasted  chestnuts  will  be 
served  promptly  at  six- thirty." 

''But,"  cried  Alice,  ''I  don't  want 
to  stay  here — I  want  to  go  home. ' ' 

''You  are  home,"  said  the  Duchess. 
"This  is  the  Municipal  Home  of  the 
Children  of  Blunderland." 

"  But  I  want  my  father  and  mother," 
whimpered  Alice. 

"The  City  is  your  father,  my  child, 
and  I  am  officially  your  mother,"  said  the 
Duchess. 

"You  are  not!"  cried  Alice.  "You 
are  trying  to  kidnap  me! — I'll — I'll  caU 
the  police." 


122    ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

"The  police  can't  arrest  a  city,  my 
dear  child,  and  as  for  me.  as  the  Com- 
missioner  of  Maternity  I  atr^  immune  from 
arrest,"  laughed  the  Duchess.        /' 

"Well,  I  just  won't  stay,  th#'s  all," 

cried 
Alice, 
stamping 
her  foot 
angrily. 
"I  don't 
want  a 
city  for  a 
father, 
and  I 
shan't 
have     an 

"seizing  HER  BY  THE, arm"  .-.         .         ^ 

official 
mother  in  place  of  a  real  one." 

The  child  ran  toward  the  door,  but 
the  Duchess  was  too  quick  for  her,  seizing 
her  by  the  arm. 

"Let  me  go!"  shrieked  Alice. 

"Never/'  snapped  the  Duchess. 


OWNERSHIP  OF  CHILDREN  123 

And  then  the  Uttle  girl  thought  of  the 
piece  of  paper  the  White  Knight  had 
given  her. 

''  I  guess  that  will  make  you  change 
your  mind,"  she  said,  handing  the  in- 
junction to  her  captor. 

The  Duchess  read  it  carefully;  her 
face  paled,  and  she  too  stamped  her 
foot. 

"I'll  see  about  this,"  she  roared 
angrily,  and  in  a  moment  she  had  gone, 
slamming  the  door  so  hard  behind  her 
that  the  building  fairly  shook.  A  mo- 
ment later  Alice  followed,  and  in  a  short 
time  was  bounding  down  the  stairway 
as  fast  as  her  little  legs  would  carry  her 
toward  freedom,  when  all  of  a  sudden  she 
tripped  and  began  to  fall — down,  down, 
down — O,  would  she  never  stop!  And 
then,  bump!  Her  fall  was  over,  and 
strange  to  relate  the  little  maid  found 
herself  sitting  on  the  floor  back  in  her 
own  nursery  in  her  own  real  home,  with 
her  mother  bending   over  her. 


124    ALICE  IN  BLUNDERLAND 

''Dear  me,  Alice,"  said  her  mother. 
''  I  hope  you  haven't  hurt  yourself." 

"No,"  said  Alice.  "Why— have  I 
—I  really  fallen?" 

"You  most  certainly  have — off  the 
sofa,"    laughed    her    mother.      "Where 


"WHY — HAVE  1 — I  REALLY  FALLEN  ! 


have  you  been?"  she  added.  "In 
Wonderland  again  ? ' ' 

"No,"  said  Alice.  "In  Blunderland 
— this  time." 

Which  struck  her  father,  when  he 
heard  the  story  of  her  adventures  later, 
as  a  very  apt  and  descriptive  title  for  the 
M.  O.  Country. 


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